Who am I? New Year's Resolutions

Christmas is over and the New Year is right in front of us, so what are the new things to accomplish? What are your resolutions for the coming year? Will you lose weight, exercise more, move, find love, or give up smoking?

Resolutions have been a part of history for thousands of years. The Babylonians are said to have been the first to start the practice of resolutions. They by promising to their gods to return borrowed items and pay their debts. That would be a superior resolution even by today's standards.

The Romans continued the resolution by making promises to their god Janus, the month of January was named for that particular god. In Medieval times the Knights took what they called a 'peacock vow' to reaffirm their vows to chivalry as a continuation of the resolution practice.

This practice began to become a part of a quarter of all American adults by the Great Depression and has risen to a solid 50% of the population in today's world. It would probably stand that the 50% statistic is a very conservative answer with far more people making resolutions. However, a vast majority of those resolutions are a private thought without formal acknowledgment.
Most popular resolutions:

• lose weight
• quit smoking
• make new friends
• travel more
• improve finances
• pray more often
• be kinder

No matter what the resolution happens to be, the real reason behind the practice remains the same. Self-improvement is the root concept of whatever promise a person makes.

Success or failure depends on the person making the resolutions. Statistics say that about 35% make unrealistic goals, 33% fail to follow through with the promise, and 23% just simply forget their promise. 1 in 10 claims that they simply make too many resolutions for anything to happen.

So what are your promises to the new year and a new more improved you? Will you lose that extra weight or put down cigarettes for the last time?

For me, I prefer just to promise to be thankful for what blessings pass my way. I promise to treat people as I hope they treat me. I promise to work hard to be as healthy as I possibly can, and I promise to remember that the little things in life can often be the most blessed of your life.

As the new year creeps slowly towards us on this last week of the year, I hope that everyone remembers to smile. It could be that simple act of smiling that allows you to have everything that you desire and to fulfill all your resolutions

Why could a smile lead to all of those things? Because if you work daily to be happy it often follows that happiness will come to you. So spread joy and happiness. Stop the anger and hatred that is tearing this world apart.

Who am I? Merry Christmas over the Years

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ONE AND ALL!!!!!!

Christmas is a time of joy, love, and celebration. Growing up in the Ozarks was a grand time for holidays. It was a time that everyone got together to celebrate the birth of Christ, enjoy a great meal, and spend time with family.

My holidays started just before deer season when Mama pulled out the tree lit with love and happiness. Seeing that tree always brought me such joy, the colors, the lights, and the ornaments were so beautiful. It wasn't until I was six that we got our first real tree or a green tree for that matter. Up until that time, it was a silver tree with bright red glass ornaments and a fan-like contraption that spun a color wheel that twirled red, green, yellow, and blue over the silver tree. It was magnificent.

For hours I would lie beneath that tree staring up into the silver branches as the colors spun past my eyes. Christmas was all traditions and fun. First, we would wait patiently for the lights on the Courthouse to be turned on. I say calmly but honestly, it was far from patient. We ran around all day asking over and over if it was time yet and Mama would smile and say 'you have to wait.' Finally, it was dark, and Mama pulled the chair to the window for me as Larry stood beside her. I climbed on the chair holding on tight to her arm as I waited for the red and green lights to come on. Then, like a twinkle in the night they popped on, and it thrilled my little heart to no ends.

Looking back at the simplicity of the lights it seems hokey, but they were thrilling. In today's standards probably not so much, but in the early 6o's it was unbelievable. Then, our next request was to drive around and look at the lights. It was the greatest tradition sitting in the backseat as Daddy drove us all over town looking at the bright reds and greens of the Christmas lights. They were not as extravagant as you will find today but they were remarkable and made a lasting effect on many little boys and girls.

Things were great as we enjoyed the holidays growing up, decorations were gorgeous, the food was awesome, and the joy was plenty.

Our tree didn't have thousands of dollars of presents wrapped underneath yet we were thankful for the bounty. The holidays were great.

The day before Christmas always spent at Granny's house. A group of the girl cousins and mothers gathered to bake pies. And did we bake a lot of pies! Most of us had a special pie baked. Apple for one, pumpkin for another, raisin for my Daddy, and so on. The count was around 35 pies total. Amazing when you think of it, but that was the way things were.

We opened our presents on Christmas Eve because Christmas Day was full from the moment we awoke. After presents, we made our way to Jack and Opal's for the celebration of Christmas Eve. It was tradition to spend that night with their family and Opal's wonderful treats. It was a great thing.

What does Christmas mean to you? I look forward from the beginning of the year for those bright colored decorations and the lights. I look forward to the festivities every year. But those days as a child will stay with me forever.

Now it means many different things. My daughter and I start with Black Friday. It is not that we rush out and spend a ton of money, we simply enjoy the moment with a flair of fun. Then our decorations go up all the Santas, garlands, snowmen, candles, and lights. It is such fun to see the colors flash and the smiles on the Santas as the house transforms into a real winter tree wonderland.

I feel like a kid as they twinkle in the night and no matter how old I get it is still fabulous to sit in the dark watching the tree sparkle. That is when the memories of every Christmas with my kids floats before my eyes. The memories of tiny fingers digging into the sweet potatoes warning everyone to stay back because 'they are too good.' The memories of little fingers opening up the presents that send them into fits of giggles.

Sure, there are memories that aren't so good. The ones when we were in the early years of Lynn's injury and times were lean. Even when there wasn't anything for Christmas, the kids smiled and laughed with joy. Even the year we spent in the situation of near homelessness, the girls laughed with pleasure.

My memories run over with sounds of laughter as we stand in line to see Santa. Even the year that Cole could only say, "Santa has boobs."

That followed many other years, including the year I handed Heather to Santa only to have her climb his shoulder and jump to my Dad. She never really got to the point she would sit on his lap. It also held a year where Santa was drunk, and the girls were not happy about his smell.

How could I blame them, he was pretty toxic.

Blessed in so many ways, I have lost count of all mine. My life hasn't always been easy, but whose has? With certain issues that were far from my control, I have things others never possessed.

Christmas to me means spending quality time with my family. It means love, smiles, and remembering to be thankful for all the beautiful little things that fill our lives.

Presents are not what Christmas is about, and it is the love that Christ has provided to us with his birth.

Who Am I? What is Bipolar Disorder Really? Just Get Over It

Who am I? Funny, I ask that question so often and still I am not positive what answer really fits.

I know I am a Mom, a wife, a Nana, and doggy Nana. But who am I besides that? Being bipolar is not what I want to identify with. However, it is exactly what I need to identify with. Strange the one thing I hid for so many years of my life is what I feel is the real me.

Growing up I was constantly told by my Mama to just keep it all inside. I don't blame anyone, you see it was the way things were. Mental illness, bipolar disorder or as it was called then Manic Depression, was not something that the world really understood.

They were of the belief that it was just like a cold, I would get over it. So it began my life of being told to 'get over it'.

Bipolar Disorder by:
Definition

BIPOLAR DISORDER also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks.

• Bipolar I Disorder— defined by manic episodes that last at least 7 days, or by manic symptoms that are so severe that the person needs immediate hospital care.Usually, depressive episodes occur as well, typically lasting at least 2 weeks. Episodes of depression with mixed features (having depression and manic symptoms at the same time) are also possible.
• Bipolar II Disorder— defined by a pattern of depressive episodes and hypomanic episodes, but not the full-blown manic episodes described above.

Bipolar I Disorder, that is me. 

Even, after all these years and it has been a long time.My diagnosis was in 1967, and I will not do the math to let you know how many years that has been. If you want to know how long that has been, well do the math. But I only say it has been a LONG TIME. 

My first treatment was a dosage of lithium every morning. I had a deep phobia of choking so my Mama would crush the pill up and feed it to me with a spoon. I can still see myself sitting on the kitchen counter as she crushed that pill, so long ago.

Ironically, it didn't stop anything. Or maybe it kept it from getting too bad. I don't know, all I know for sure was that it was a miserable time for me. The manic episodes were awful, and I know it was hard on my parents as much as me. But I still felt so alone. 

That was when I began to take moments to hide in the closet when things got too intense in my head. 


One of the most difficult things to handle comes in the form of people who still feel like this is a made up disease. Guess what folks, why the hell would I make it up? It hurts when their ignorance is so strong that all they want is to convince me to 'get over it.' 

Bipolar disorder is nothing we can just 'get over,' this is the way things are, and as more people come forward admitting they suffer, it is time for the ignorant to realize the truth.

The funny thing is that while I suffer from this disorder, it is the ignorant I feel sorry for.

Who Am I? Walk In My Shoes During An Anxiety Attack

Who am I? I am a woman of many sides.

Being bipolar is not easy, being bipolar sends me deep within myself at times. That is the time I find it hard to surface; it is as if I am drowning in an ocean all alone. Surrounded by my family that loves me should help and it does, but there are those instances within my head that are just so hard.

So at this moment, I will let you walk with me in this world of an anxiety attack. My heart is beating so fast, it feels like a drum in my head. My head hurts, but not just hurts it is so painful. I feel so scared I can hardly focus, (so you will understand this is hard for me), my eyes are blurry, and I keep looking around like the world is going to collapse on me at any second.

My mind is racing, wondering what will happen next. I keep thinking something is just around the edge, and it is bad. My fear is climbing the scale to leap far off the page. I want to run, but where do I run? Why do I run? I have no idea, but the thoughts are there. I can't seem to stop them.

Where does this fear come from? Why me? Why can't I be like everyone else and control this aspect of my mind? So many thoughts, so much turmoil. It is overwhelming. I want to scream, but I can't. The world wouldn't understand if I stood in the yard and screamed. The neighbors would not appreciate it.

Everyone asks if I am okay. I try to nod yes through the tears that hide just behind the surface of my eyes. But the sparkle must be there. They have to see. But I am like this so often. I doubt they notice anymore. It is just Mom being Mom. But it is awful. I want to curl up in a ball and
have it all go away, but it won't leave.

The pounding of my heart is so loud, I swear the entire world can hear. Can they not hear it? Why won't it slow down? I know I have to make it calm down, or it is another trip to the ER, and I don't want that.

Life, it has moved so fast. Why did certain things turn out like this? I miss, I cry, I wish things were different. But what can I do? People can't be made to love you, they just turn their backs and walk away.

I thank God every second of every day for Lynn, Heather, and Cole. Wow, I know that dealing with me is a handful. The tears, the silence, the anxiety. How on earth do they do it?

Medication, after medication. The drugs only make me feel like a zombie, so what is better this horrified feeling of losing control or zombie?

My tears try hard not to fall, I don't want anyone to see. All I want is for this to end and no one to see that again I am in full anxiety mode. I want to be different, I want to be calm. But it just doesn't seem possible.

I have so much I need to do, but my mind only floats around in this foggy mist of confusion.

Anxiety. It is different for everyone. For me it is often, it is strong, and it has no limits to its torture.

Now I must just remember. Breathe in, breathe out. Focus, focus. This feeling will pass. Won't it?

Who am I? Is Neo Still Stuck In The Matrix?

Who am I? Confusion seems to be the premise of the day but this quote from Keanu Reeves fits better than anything else. I so agree, do you?


"Where women do not want children, and men don’t want a family.

Where the suckers believe themselves to be successful behind the wheel of their fathers', and a father who has a little bit of power is trying to prove to you that you’re a nobody.

Where people falsely declare that they believe in God with a shot of alcohol in their hand, and the lack of any understanding of their religion.

Where the concept of jealousy is considered shameful, and modesty is a disadvantage.

Where people forgot about love, but are simply looking for the best partner.

Where people repair every rustle of their car, not sparing any money or time, and, they look poor that only an expensive car can hide it.

Where the boys waste their parents' money in nightclubs, aping under the primitive sounds, and girls fall in love with them for this.

Where men and women are no longer identifiable and where all this together is called freedom of choice, but for those who choose a different path-get branded as retarded despots.

I choose my path, but it’s a pity that I did not find similar understanding in the people among whom I wished to find it most of all … “ 
~ Keanu Reeves

Such strong words who else agrees? How are many others in the world tired of the mudslinging, crap calling, and worrying about things that are not important at all?

All the protests are proclaiming love, but all I see is hate.

We live in a world where people pay others to raise their children, where it is easier to ignore than help others, and where humanity feels lost.

As a child, I grew up in a community that allowed the kids of my neighborhood to roam freely without fear. We traveled beneath the town in the sewer tunnels having adventures. It was a time that we were able to go blocks away from home even when we were subtle. I was three when I began my roaming with the other kids.

Can you imagine? A three-year-old roaming all over town supervised only by a five, six, and seven years old? Could we do that today?

I would not even think about letting children that small run wherever they desired. But during that period in my life, it was safe. Everyone in town watched over us like hawks, so the illusion of not being supervised was just that imaginary. Today's world doesn't offer very many cases where others watch out for one another.

It was a time when you told your children to find a preacher, teacher, or policeman if they had trouble. What do you tell kids today? Sadly, all you have to do is watch the news to hear instances of someone in authority molesting a child.

What has happened to this world? People have lost themselves in everything.

Families aren't families any longer. Just because you raise your children with unconditional love doesn't mean they return that love. Just because you have large families doesn't mean you aren't alone.

Who Am I? A Proud American Who Gladly Stands Up

Who am I? Such a simple question but in this world of crap it is a deep thought. But as we move past the voting into a new era it is time to get past all the usual crap.

Headlines were indeed full of the usual political he said. She said stuff. Mudslinging is so bad it is covering the entire country. I am not sure I have seen such turmoil as to the candidates in my lifetime. But it hurts to see how this country torn apart from all the hoopla.

As we have all gathered around our televisions to watch the debates and hear what each candidate is going to do to improve our country, we have heard very little. We have instead heard how Trump had a potty mouth in the past, what a shock. We have listened how Hillary deleted emails. And we have heard buckets more of crap that has nothing to do with the Presidency.

Now, first of all, I don't like the way that Trump spoke or how men talk when they are alone. But get real people that are just how things are in our world. Words are just words. Trump has been around for many years and hasn't to my knowledge ever dealt with the same things that Bill Clinton did while he was President.

It is just heartbreaking to see such a reaction from the public. As we celebrate Veteran's Day, I hope the country just remembers to show respect to the office of the President and stop the crap.

I was a Trump supporter and still am. I feel he will work the office as a business, a business that needs to be prosperous. The things of the past don't seem to be working entirely so this sounds good to me. Okay, I completely understand that countless individuals disagree. Their opinions are completely different, but that is the way of Democracy. People have different opinions.

I was raised to be respectful even when someone disagrees with you. To me, I have always felt it was shameful to talk so terribly about any President. And I was not, nor am I now an Obama fan. But I never intentionally disrespected the President.


That same respect is given to the flag. I was taught such high respect for this symbol of our freedom. That flag was never to touch the ground and each flag no matter how small was to be given the same respect. We were taught to say the pledge of allegiance as we placed a hand over our hearts. Stand up to show respect during the National Anthem, remove our hats, and remember what this symbol stood for reference.

I respect the opinions of those who want to show support to any of their beliefs, but. The big but to that statement is that I DO NOT believe they are doing it when they disrespect the flag. Taking a knee during the National Anthem is not proper or right in my eyes. They are not showing support for their beliefs they are showing dishonor to our NATIONAL convictions.

So as Veteran's Day is upon us, I stand up for the flag; I stand up for freedom, I stand up for respect to all who have given everything for that freedom.

We need to learn that even though we might not agree with the President, he is still OUR PRESIDENT and that deserves respect.

All the riots, protests, offensive words spoken to each other because of the election need to stop. The disrespect of the flag is disgraceful and only giving those who want to destroy this great Nation a foothold to accomplish their plans.

I would hate to know what our founding fathers, who fought so hard to give us this country, would think about the way their 'children' are behaving.

Who am I? Top Reasons This Election Disgusts Voters

Who am I? Well, I am just one of the many disgusted Americans who is fed up with the election.

The top reasons we are fed up.

Voting for Hillary because she is a woman.
Seriously, how many are as fed up as I am that women are standing tall and proud to vote for Hillary just because of her gender? That is just making women look idiotic. To vote for a President merely on her gender status is moronic, to say the least. Come on ladies let's instead look at the qualifications the candidate has, just as the past voters stood up and voted for Obama because he is black.


Mudslinging, lies, name calling

An election to vote for our next President, but it looks more like a group of children on the playground drawing lines to see who doesn't have cooties. I have expected one of them to stick their tongue out at the other and scream,

• Arguments

I hate arguments, and all we see or hear are people arguing. He will do this. She will do that. Honestly, I am most definitely not a Hillary fan, but we have no real idea what any of them will do until they are actually in office.

• How many of us really think we have a choice? 

I vote, just because without voting do any of us have the right to complain. How many others are out there who feel that our votes don't decide anything? I wish it were different, but I lost that faith a long time ago.

• Obama bashing Trump

It utterly disgusts me to keep hearing a President bash a candidate. Personally, I feel he should hold a bipartisan stance while in office and keep his nasty opinions to himself. 

Now the best thing will be when this is over, and we can stop all of the fussings. Or will it stop? I fear the reaction of the public with the completed vote counts.

Who am I? My Journey From Naive to Medical Marijuana Cardholder

Who am I? All you have to do is reach down and grab a handful of sand, make sure you catch clean sand. Now, allow that sand to fall from your grasp to let the grains scatter. That is what we all are, just tiny grains of sand in the Cosmo of the world.

The election makes that knowledge even more prominent. As the small grains in a large pile of sand, no one person seems to make a difference. As just one little grain falls, one direction others will follow. So as you look at the elections remember as a lone piece of sand, we are inconsequential, but like a sand castle, we are strong.

I have gotten so frustrated with the elections and all the lies the candidates want to spread. It is sadly a case of mudslinging every time politicians run for office. However this seems to outshine all eternity with their levels of nasty.

So moving past he said, she said of the candidates I move my focus to some of the issues. And once again I am disgusted with the ignorance of so many individuals who are working to sway voters their direction. Still, they have no clue to the truth.

I am a former medical marijuana patient. The only reason I am not a card holder at the moment is that I am trying to help spread information to the rest of the world.

I did not grow up believing that marijuana had a purpose, I thought it was purely the 'devil's weed.' I assumed anyone who smoked it was going to hell. After all, it was illegal, how could it be okay?

Then, my life changed. My eyes opened. I had reached a challenging point in life. My Daddy had died just a short time after Mama. My identity stolen, our house burnt, and my family disowned me. It was a bleak time for me to say the least.

My psychiatrist had me on so many pharmaceutical drugs I didn't even really know who I was. And I didn't participate in life. It was a black spot in my life.

My mind was foggy, and it just kept getting worse. That caused my doctor to add more and more pharmaceuticals to the list that I took. My Doctor worked to convince me that every pill she added would be the one that made me feel better. She was wrong.

That was when my journey to enlightenment began. After much protest, I succumbed to Lynn flushing my meds, and I was convinced to smoke a joint.

How could this be right, I didn't feel worse I felt better. But my mind was fighting the concept. Marijuana could not be making me feel more human, or could it? Everything in my life and my world told me this was not possible.

That was the just the edge of the knowledge I would acquire over the next couple of years. We picked up and moved to California. It was as if we had transported to an entirely new planet.

Everyone had such a different view on marijuana. No one considered it evil; it was just a plant. Some people used it, grew it, and others didn't. The general public didn't place as much emphasis on it as you might think.

I continued to fight medical marijuana in my life. When you have felt one way for so long, it's hard to just throw that to the side. But I began to look at what it was doing for everyone around me.

We lived in a couple of neighborhoods where most everyone was growing weed. Not where I pictured myself living. It was not what the world thinks when they imagine pot growers. This group of individuals was just a bunch of ordinary people. There was a nurse, construction worker, retired engineer, old hippie lady, parents, grandparents, and just people.

It was not a commune. It was not a drug infested world of laziness. It was hard working people just trying to make their way through this life. There were those dealing with chronic pain, cancer, traumas, all sorts of diseases, and even just average daily stress.

The media tries to push the thoughts that modern medical marijuana would only cater to the hangnail generation. Those people who cry wolf about anything that would get them medical weed.

But the real truth is different. We have to realize that the statistics of individuals who are falsely getting hardcore pharmaceuticals is staggering. That is a REAL problem.

Medical marijuana was not causing even a fraction of the problems that pharmaceuticals were causing. So my world in California was leaning toward the real truth, marijuana was useful.

Finally, I was convinced enough to see a doctor about using medical marijuana. I thought like most people it was just a manner of saying I want to weed and bam you got a card. But, I was so wrong.

The doctor was so knowledgeable and helpful He knew that marijuana had to potential to help not only my bipolar disorder, but it was perfect for my chronic pain and fibromyalgia. So I joined the ranks of medical marijuana card holders.

It was weird. My Doctor helped me to learn the I should stay away from Sativa because it made me manic and he helped me to know that for me Indica could let me join life.

How strange it was to consume marijuana and all of a sudden I was feeling healthy. Or as normal as possible. I wasn't high, I wasn't out of it, and I felt good.


I never got to the point where I liked smoking, so my world became part of the edibles.

So much has been said about the harm of medical marijuana and especially how dangerous edibles can be. Those thoughts come out of the ignorance and lack of knowledge.

To the states that have marijuana legislation on the ballot, I hope the voters will all take the time to listen to people who have been there. Patients, parents, caregivers, and growers. Marijuana does not increase the crime rate of places that include it within their list of medications.

It is a different world that everyone thinks. Growers of marijuana are not drug kingpins; they are patients or caregivers who just want to make life better. The money made from growing marijuana is not purchasing planes or private islands. The money that a grower might make from his crop goes to the local farm store, Walmart, grocery stores, electric companies, and the local gas station.

The reality is that medical marijuana growers are just small farmers trying to get by in this crazy world. They are just people.

Dispensaries are not drug cartel locations where drug dealers and addicts are congregating to buy drugs. They are pharmacies where people of all ages get a medication that helps them deal with whatever ailment they are facing.

The states that have had medical marijuana for years are mesmerized by the rest of the population's misconception on weed.

Arkansas has two issues on the ballot. One is the Arkansas Medical Cannabis Act that will allow patients and caregivers to grow their own and covers more medical issues. Read the full bill at https://ballotpedia.org. The second is an amendment that limits the medical problems and growing.

Both are pro-medical marijuana while the Act would help more people.

I have listened to the news media tell how this will cause crime to rise and take away from the budget. While having medical marijuana legal does not mean crime will increase. Instead, it means people are getting the help they need. Look at the locations where medical marijuana is legal, and their crime rates have even been seen to drop.

Okay, I will admit that with all things there are always bad apples. But the medical marijuana community is a laid back group. Only those who know nothing about the issue are the ones crying wolf.

How can they honestly want to limit the number of illnesses or problems that marijuana could help? No one is screaming that viagra should only help individual cases of erectile dysfunction. Even though everyone has heard of the countless times this drug misused.

Sure one is most definitely not like another, but you get my point.  And when this same media talks about how horrible it is for someone to get medical marijuana if they don't need it, to this I say okay but is it a bad thing? How many people use alcohol to help deal with issues in their life? How many are taking prescriptions when they don't need them?
,
Things in life are abused but is that reason enough to keep a child from having life-saving medication to help them live a better life? Should someone be limited from using a natural medication to help ease their pain?

I was one of the masses who thought this way until I learned to open my eyes.

I have lived in a medical marijuana world, and I survived. The one thing I found out above all else was that when it came to marijuana, I was not as smart as I thought.

Learn the truth. Marijuana is just a word, Cannabis is the, and it is a natural plant. One plant that has existed since the beginning of time, a completely all natural by-product of mother nature.

Would you want to keep someone who is suffering from taking medical marijuana just because you think it is bad?

Arkansas will vote in November as will Florida, Montana, and North Dakota on medical marijuana. California, Nevada, Arizona, Maine, and Massachusetts will vote for full legalization of recreational.

The kicker is that everyone knows Colorado has legal recreational marijuana, but did you remember that Alaska, Oregon, and may I have a drumroll please, WASHINGTON DC. Let that sink in just a moment. Okay, now that it has done you realize that where our legislators and our President live they have LEGAL RECREATIONAL MARIJUANA.



I am living mostly outside of medical marijuana states, but I will return to a place that allows freedom of choice in medications.

What needs done is for marijuana/ cannabis rescheduled on the Schedule of drugs.


I am not a criminal because I have used marijuana. I am not a bad person because I believe marijuana is not evil.

Who Am I? Political Beliefs Who WIll You Vote For? What Will You Vote For?

Who am I and where do I come from? Those are not just questions I have asked myself. They are often things people ask me. Those questions follow with where do you live?

The truth is I rarely tell anyone where I live because honestly does it matter? And as we travel the country telling people about the benefits of medical marijuana I may live anywhere at anytime. That sounds weird I know, but it is the truth.

My answer is usually Somewhere in the Universe. For me, my home is where my heart is and that remains with my family. So it has been a lot of different places. Missouri, Branson, West Plains, Springfield, California, Colorado, Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, so on and so on.

Part of the overall reason I rarely tell the world my location is my way of keeping as much turmoil and drama from my life. Being bipolar is an ongoing struggle and remaining as far away from drama helps. There is plenty of chaos in my head without the world throwing in crap. It may seem hard to understand, but it is important to my mental state to remain as calm as possible.

So we live our life as we see fit, we have met people, we have interacted with countless lives as we experience what the world offers. And that has taught me so many valuable things.

When we moved to California, I was still enmeshed in my uninformed beliefs about the evil qualities of weed. Then as if a cloud lifted learned just how ignorant it was to fear a plant. After all, this little plant had been created by a higher power, by God himself. So how could it be so evil?

That was the feelings I held firm. Weed, marijuana, ganja and the million other names describe just a plant.

It was uninformed, ignorant of me to fear and hate something that honestly I simply didn't understand. I had always considered myself a reasonably intelligent individual, but I knew very little in reality about marijuana. All I truly knew was it was smoked, and people got high.

The past media blast of telling the world about the 'evil reefer' had apparently gone deep within my mind. Maybe it was only osmosis that this was my thoughts because my parents felt firm about the evils.

Daddy was adamant about his philosophy regarding 'flower children' or 'blooming idiots' as he called the hippies of the 60s. They both felt that smoking the evil marijuana meant they were worthless, lazy and a lower society.

My parents grew up in a time when people were firm with their patriotic pride. They like all of their generation believed in our leaders even when they didn't agree with the policy.

I remember so many times how angry with jokes made about the President. And when it came to the American flag, Daddy was. Anytime I carried the flag at a horse show or rodeo he gave me the same lecture. If my horse bucked and threw me to the ground, I always was to make sure that the flag stayed off the ground. I was to protect the Red, White, and Blue no matter the consequences.

To this day I still shutter when anyone disrespects the flag or jokes about our President. I am not an Obama fan, but I still believe the office deserves respect. I will gladly admit that the politicians of today make it extremely hard not to laugh at them.

Political opinions on marijuana change for the politicians as the winds of the day change. Sadly, most of our politicians whether they are candidates or elected, their views and statements seem to alter depending on what group they are addressing.

As far as what they are promising, does it matter? It is what they do once elected. Will they stick to their beliefs or will they alter as most have done in the past?

Who Am I? An American in the Midwest

Who am I? That is not the question. Today is more a question of how am I?

It is the time of year or at least the time of an election year that we see countless political ads at an endless rate. They are some of the saddest things we have to endure. Political ads are nothing but a time to pull out all the old childhood games of he said she said and a lot of they did it not me.

Just turn on the news everything is Trump said this, Hillary said this.

I get so tired of the childish finger pointing that goes on in politics. Every politician I have heard changes their tune from time to time and none of them tell us what they will do. They merely say whatever crowd they are in front of at the time what they want to hear. Right now it is not about telling us any vital information it is all about gathering votes.

How do we know what they will do after they are elected? Honestly, we will not know until the time occurs. So much mudslinging and name calling that it feels to me that we as the people are forgotten.

My one thought is pure. I agree with Trump that the country needs run as a business and we need to straighten up our entire system. But when any of the candidates running keep telling us they understand the plight of the common man I have to wonder. How can billionaires and millionaires understand the difficult situation of what people are dealing with in today's world?


We are a country that exists of people wondering how to put food on the table, how to keep our electric on, and worries about health care. How can individuals who spend thousands on nonsense understand that feeling?

My late mother-in-law was of that similar mindset. She had the warped concept that the mere fact of living in the United States automatically meant you had everything. Her thoughts included the idea that only the lazy or addicted went without.

I am a little ashamed that at one point in my life I didn't know the truth and in a way believed the same thing. But as with all things in life reality came calling and I learned the truth.

Does any of our political candidates understand what it is like to look in the eye of their child and tell them there is no food? Do they know what it is to lay awake all night wondering how to pay the bills? My mother-in-law didn't understand any of that.

We live in the greatest country on the planet. We have so many wonderful things and opportunities as citizens of the United States, yet there are so many ways this great nation is lacking. Health care is my primary complaint. Obamacare was supposed to make sure that everyone got proper medical attention and no one did without ever again.

Now the truth in what has occurred after Obamacare has been a different story. In my life, this program has done quite the opposite, and I know SO many who are in the same situation. Since the bill the was supposed to give everyone access to health insurance went into effect I know people who have lost their insurance.

Was the reason to pass the bill not to provide everyone with low-cost insurance? Instead, it fines those who can not afford to pay the premiums on this so-called low priced insurance. What an oxymoronic thing to do, a penalty charged for not having insurance.

So if you don't have health insurance, you must pay a fine. I know people who don't have the insurance because they don't qualify for aid and can't afford the premiums on their own. How can fine individuals who are already having trouble paying bills because they can't pay another?

Looking past those facts of Obamacare, we move into the fact that finding a doctor now has become almost impossible. You must find one that takes the insurance you can afford, and that is a task that leads to despair.

Clinics and doctors want to interview you now before they accept you as a patient. They don't like it when you have very much wrong with you. In our case, a doctor, my husband, had seen for years wouldn't accept him back as a patient when we moved home again. It had been seven years since he saw him, so it had been too long.

Medical care is difficult enough but finding a physician who will accept ongoing medical problems is not easy. And that doesn't even go into the topic of your chronic pain. Those two little words seem to repeal doctors like garlic on vampires. If you want to get, your doctor to run backward, it is quite simple. Just mention your chronic pain and watch the dust fog as he escapes.

To the world of candidates on the ballot, I ask them not to judge me because I am skeptical about their promises. I am just looking at things from the point of view that has seen a lot of things. I always hold high hopes that things will be different but often find I am disappointed.

You see as will happen we often are slapped with reality when things happen. I learned the lessons of life that can take you from the top of the heap to the very bottom with just one quick motion. My mother-in-law's point of view on the world's needy quickly was proven wrong in our lives.

When my husband was injured at work our life spiraled down. All it took for us to learn hard lessons was a brain injury. That TBI (traumatic brain injury) collapsed our world, nothing would ever be as we knew it.

In the blink of an eye, my world changed, and I learned hard lessons that altered my warped views of the needy.

Politicians come and go but aren't it time all the childish name calling and finger pointing ended? Shouldn't the issues of taking care of the American people be the first thought for any of them? Democrats, Republicans, Independents, Liberalists aren't the point, when did the term AMERICANS get lost in a mess?

Who Am I? Another Member of the Silent Tears Group

Who am I? Well, I am a person who loves with all their heart. That hurts me in ways that words won't describe. So as I look at this time to say Happy Birthday to someone that I am not allowed to say anything to, I feel like nothing else.

There are many people, who are in the same position as I am and that is a real tragedy. But it is just the way life has evolved. People don't get along; families don't talk or have anything to do with one another, brothers and sisters are estranged, children say they hate their parents, and so on.

What can we do about that? Well if anyone comes up with a way please pass it on to the rest of us.

Just because we share blood and family ties does not mean we are close. Just because you carried and raised a child that you would die for doesn't mean that child loves you. Blood doesn't mean much to so many and even less to others.

Life isn't fair. That fact we could all probably agree upon, but it doesn't make it any easier. I send birthday love and wishes to one of the reasons for my silent tears, my you have a beautiful day full of happiness and light. May all your dreams come true. Even though I am not allowed there or in your life doesn't mean my love isn't enormous.

So this is a Happy Birthday to all the children, grandchildren, mothers, fathers, and siblings that people aren't allowed to express. Maybe someday things will change, but until then we must shed our tears in silence.

It is almost as if the entire world is bipolar.

Who Am I? Chaotic Whirlwind of Emotions Flutter From My Head

Who am I? Tumultuous nights move into chaotic days as the minutes and hours flow into brighter lights of noise.

Those dark moments of the evening when my mind is so full of noise that I can't sleep,  are always filled with days so chaotic that I am exhausted. People often talk of the cobwebs in their memories, but for me, those cobwebs filled with spiders that won't contain their movement.

Bipolar disorder isn't easy by any means and the clutter that fills my mind is a by-product of my thoughts.

It is hard to describe to the average person that never felt this way exactly what this chaotic world makes me feel. Sometimes it is as if the world is moving in slow motion with a billion things occurring at once. Okay, so that may seem like everyone feels that way and I guess to a degree we all do. But living with Bipolar disorder is far more complicated than that simple statement.

My chaotic thought pattern is more like a jigsaw puzzle cut into a million extra pieces, and every piece is black. Putting that puzzle together to make sense is nearly impossible. That is how my mind is most of the time.

It has taken me many years to learn the idiosyncrasies of my strange world.

When people hear you have this disorder their first reactions are "I'm sorry." And that happens all the time. But for me after all of these years, I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, cause I don't feel sorry for myself.

Bipolar disorder is chaotic, bipolar disorder is a jumble of thoughts, but they all combine to help create the many artistic things that occur in my life. I love to paint, sketch, write, and anything that allows my inner artist to shine.

Who am I? Death Never Takes a Holiday

Who am I? I am human, and I am normal (well sort of normal anyway).

Life goes up, and when it decides to go down, boy does it fall hard. We heard from an old friend passing away this morning and as it tends to do it takes you on a journey. That journey through reminiscing about the past.

It is never easy for a family to lose someone, no matter the age. The loss is loss and when it is someone you love that loss is significant. I have suffered a loss in my life, and I have had close calls of loss.

There are no words to express to someone when they are the ones who have said goodbye to their loved one. It doesn't matter if you have lost someone yourself, anything you say is not sufficient.

Every person goes through this time differently. Brothers and sisters feel pain different; spouses feel different. I found in my position what I wanted more than anything was a kind smile, a pat on the back, and eyes that told me they were there. I didn't want to hear, "I know how you feel," "I lost someone too," and honestly
"They are in a better place" wasn't comforting at the time.

If you have faith, you believe they are in a better place, and you don't have to hear it. And in the moment of loss it doesn't help, you are just in shock and horror that this has happened. No words were the best for me.

Death, such a horrible part of life. It never gets better, and no matter how long it has been you will always miss a loved one. The Sad part of life but if you loved them, it is hard.

It helps to have the faith they went on to a better place, but that doesn't fill the hole they leave. As I sat holding my Mama's hand as she gasped her last breath, I knew she was going to a better place, but it didn't fix the pain.

I miss my Mama and Daddy every day and will always miss them. I loved them so much.

Loss through death is so painful it feels like something was stolen. Sure we get through it somehow, but it is never easy.

I just send my prayers and good thoughts to anyone who is going through this.

Death comes to all of us in some form during our lives. That is just a part of things. It is not easy because when we love it is powerful.

RIP to an old friend. May you ride in heaven among the angels.

Who Am I? Thoughts On a Tilt-a-Whirl Flowing Flitting Can't Catch

Who am I is a tricky question when certain days strike. How do I explain what it feels like in my head? Well, this is as best of a description that I can give to those who have no idea what living with bipolar disorder or any other mental illness is like.

My mind is in a whirlwind. It feels like a tilt-a-whirl gone wrong. There are so many thoughts so much noise that it is hard to focus. I feel as if the actual sense of things is a fog far away.

As a kid when these days would come I sat in terror wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I say horror, but honestly, that doesn't quite explain the feelings that floated through my brain.

There are moments when it feels like the entire universe is talking all at once and I can't quite grasp one single word at a time. They are moving so fast through the corners of my mind that it almost takes my breath away.

Frustration, anxiety, and exhilaration mix with feelings of terror. Those combinations all make me feel tired, scared and give m a sense of wanting to run. Where do I run from the inner reaches of my mind? Where can I hide from the thoughts that follow me even when I sleep? That is if sleep will ever come.

Generally, on these days, nights or weeks I don't sleep. It seems that dreams will not come to a mind that is already so full of confusion. They say no rest for the wicked. So does that make me evil? Just kidding, maybe.

The things in my mind flash by like colors on a rainbow, then just as suddenly as they appeared they morph into a melting rendition of the same rainbow.

Nothing makes sense, but everything makes sense all at the same time.

There is a song by B o B that shows the world what my mind is feeling like at this time.

I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm
I'm out of my mind, I'm out of my mind

Out of my f**king mind
I'm, I'm out of my mind


The lyrics move fast sort of out of control, and as the song continues, it shows a moment in the mind of a bipolar.

These days are spent either at my laptop trying to control any thought I can corral. It might sound like an easy task to any one else, but it is as if I am trying to lasso a swarm of mosquitoes with dental floss.

Round and round the thoughts flow taunting me with their laughter making me want to grab them. But every time I get close they turn the other direction and run. It goes on and on making me tired.

The funny thing is that I often wonder if there is a tiny little line in my head indicating LOADING and it seems to continue endlessly. Loading, Loading, Loading, Loading. Never to finish and at some point, it must be restarted.

Who Am I In This World of Bipolars

Who am I? I am a wife, mother, grandmother, and opinionated redhead. Oh, don't forget I am also bipolar. That honestly should tell you anything you might want to know about me. I am emotional. I love to laugh, but I cry a lot. I love with all my heart and more, but that lets me get hurt easily. I am loud but often too quiet. I can be strong, but I am also weak.

I have endured much in my life. Truly I have lived a life of been there done that. I have done so many things in my life and gone so many places different places. I have met people that thrilled me, shocked me, disgusted me, and some that have provided so much inspiration.

There has been so much fun in my life that it almost seems unfair to the rest of the world. Conversations with Senators, celebrities, mothers, fathers, and children of all ages has given me an enormous amount of happiness and knowledge.

I am still an overly private person, I don't share everything about my life (other than the ramblings of my mind), I hate talking on the phone, and I dislike crowds. The thoughts of meeting new people can often make me physically ill, but meeting someone I have known years can also deliver anxiety.

Past all the incredible people I have had the pleasure of meeting and talking to is the most important thing for this stage in my life. That is me, it took me many years to like the person I am, and now I do.

Most of the world doesn't understand what that is like. But I grew up thinking I was not worthy of anything. There were some in my life that brought out those feelings more than others, which only made it worse.

I am asked so many times in my life why I tell anyone that I am bipolar. It amuses me that anyone would ask because we have reached the point where it feels as if ALL doctors are using the diagnosis as a go-to.

Bipolar disorder seems to have reached a point where if anyone has a problem or gets upset then they must be bipolar. If you hear a celebrity or anyone getting out of control well that person must be bipolar.

I am not ashamed of being bipolar, but it gets to me that every time I hear a news program of an individual who did something, the first thing people say is "they are bipolar."

To those who ask me why I don't hide my bipolar disorder I laugh because ironically it seems everyone has the disorder. Underneath the laughter, I am annoyed that the world has turned this serious problem into almost a joke.

Bipolar disorder is not a joke. And it is not always the problem when people go wrong! Bipolar disorder is no more to blame than guns blamed for the individual who kills. It is the person who does the deed.

There is no shame in me for having a problem that is as much a part of me as breathing. I was diagnosed in 1967 long before the rest of the world decided this was the illness to have. My diagnosis was back in a time when the public knew nothing about this.

I was diagnosed back when the world wanted to hide it and be ashamed. But it is nothing to hide. It is just who I am.

Sure there are days when I can barely even stand to be around me, and I know the rest of the world doesn't want to be around me either. So those days I retreat to my inner sanctum and work on keeping a hold of sanity.

The years I hid this illness were awful. It is terrible to hide who you are to the world. It felt as if I was wearing a mask, days it was a clown mask, days it was a happy face, and days it felt more like I was the ghost in the room.

No, I am not the clown that is wondering around the neighborhood. No, I am not wielding a machete and knocking on doors. Even though there have been moments in my life when I felt as if I was the roaming crazy clown, I am still here.

Today I am a woman who laughs, cries, yells, curls in silence, and lives the best life I can. There are those who are still so ignorant to the illness that they wish I would hide it because they still believe this is just in my head.

I can not hide this, I will not hide this, and I will no longer be ashamed of who Terry is. For those who tell the world I am 'dead,' I will shed tears for the loss of you in my life but I can't or won't change who I am.

Who Am I? Happily Married 36 Years Where Did The Time Go?

Who am I? There was a time in my life that statement went unanswered because I really didn’t know who I was or why I was even here. But for me, that changed when Lynn came into my life. I finally felt like I had a place, a reason for existing.

They say that love at first sight is a myth, but for those of us who have felt its powerful feeling well, we know the truth. We had our first date June 6, 1980. It was just a few days not even 2 weeks later, June 18, 1980, that we went to our families to tell them we wanted to get married.

Who am I? There was a time in my life that statement went unanswered because I didn’t know who I was or why I was even here. But for me, that changed when Lynn came into my life. I finally felt like I had a place, a reason for existing.

They say that love, at first sight, is a myth, but for those of us who have felt its powerful feeling well, we know the truth. We had our first date June 6, 1980. It was just a few days not even two weeks later, June 18, 1980, that we went to our families to tell them, we wanted to get married.

As the world might figure, that information didn’t sit well with them. Here we were a 16-year-old boy and an 18-year-old girl telling them we wanted to marry and start a life. We felt like we were adults after all don’t all teenagers think they know everything and are the most mature people on the planet?

What they didn’t know was that the feelings we had for one another were something far deeper than teenage lust or infatuation. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Lynn was the other half of my soul. The half that would help to keep me sane.

Our parents decided that we had to wait till September to get married. I know his mother was hoping I would go away before we got married. She was the one who felt the strongest about us not marrying and the one reason we almost had to run away to a state where we could marry. But his dad signed the papers (in an attempt to infuriate his mother, but we didn’t care the reason).

The wedding was not the one I had always dreamed about. Mama didn’t make my dress because the price was too high. We almost didn’t have any flowers because the money Mama and Daddy had for the wedding ran out. None of that mattered, and it still doesn't today.

But finally, I walked down the aisle to hold the hand of my soul mate and life began for us.

Married life is not an easy thing, especially for the young. But no matter how many people tried to cause trouble, no matter how many times our families pushed us aside, no matter the economic ups and downs, no matter the illnesses, accidents, and medical issues, no matter the turmoil from some unnamed individuals, no matter anything. We have made it through and are stronger for all the trials and tribulations that life has thrown in our paths.

Love, honest, true deep to the very soul love, is the greatest thing a person can have in their life. You give that to me.

No matter the 36 years we have been married, when I am in a crowd of people, I still feel your presence whenever you approach. I know the second you enter they store when I have been inside for any amount of time. Our connection is strong. Our connection is deep.

I am only the person I am today because you complete me.

Who Am I? Been Sick, Sad, and Dealt With Life

Who am I? Lately, those words mean I have been sick. Food poisoning has had me for almost a month. It has been the worst case I have had in years, but I am finally feeling a little better. At least I feel alive.

The last couple of months has been difficult, to say the least. I have cried so many tears that I feel cried out. Losing a pet to the majority of the world means you lost a pet, but to my family, it is more like losing a family member. Our furry family is far more than just simply pets. 

That began for me when I was a little girl. My parents gave Larry and me a beagle puppy, Susie. And we loved her dearly. Although the love I have for her was nothing in comparison to the relationship we have with our current and recent furry family. Susie was such a sweet dog, that sweet little beagle face. Life for Susie cut short, sadly.

My parents had built a house, and we were to move to the country. It was an exciting time, and I couldn't wait to run the fields with little Susie by my side. Daddy went and got some chainlink fence so he could build her a pen until she got used to the farm. We had a beautiful day and went home nearly at dark. 

I will never forget the look on the neighbor's face as we pulled into our drive. He had witnessed the woman in the big car come down the street and as she ran up over the sidewalk into the yard, where little Susie sat. I will never forget how he was positive that she had done it on purpose.

Images of the bike riding woman from Wizard of Oz flooding my mind and remain with me today. How could someone be so cruel and intentionally kill an innocent? Boy, would life teach me that lesson time and time again?

I was so devastated. The funny thing is that I never realized how much it affected Daddy. That chain link fence laid in the same spot for nearly 30 years when Lynn was the one to move it. For me, it was about a year before we got the poodle that would be my best friend, my confidant, and my actual first furry family. 

Mitzi was a beautiful miniature teacup silver poodle. But more than that she was my friend. I adored her, and she adored me. That sweet little silver face was at times the one face that allowed me to retain my sanity. Then, Lynn came into my life, and she hated him. All he had to do was get near her or me, and she would bite him. This moment was the first and only time she ever behaved that way. It wasn't so funny then but as I look back after all of these years it is funny.

I was torn and didn't know how to get her to like him, let alone love him too. No matter what I did, she just couldn't stand him. Then the unthinkable happened, Mitzi who had congestive heart failure began to slip away. It was so awful watching her suffer, and all I could think was I had to get back to Mama and Daddy's before she passed. 

Lynn drove like a madman trying to get there as I held her little quivering body close to me. But about 3 miles from Mama's house Mitzi crawled out of my arms and moved to Lynn. She laid her tiny head on his arm, licked him and as she looked up at his face she passed away. I will always know that was her way of passing the torch of my care on to him. 

Now when Susie was killed it hurt, but this was a pain like nothing else. I was lost. I didn't know what to do.

You can't replace a love of a furry family, the only thing you can do is to put something else out there for you to think about. That furry family member always missed, and here 36 years later I still shed tears for little Mitzi.

Lynn tried to make me smile and tried to fill that empty hole left by little Mitzi with a teeny, tiny black spitball of a pup. Cherry Bomb came into my life with a flash, and that was how she remained. She was so tiny, and so sweet. Sure she wasn't Mitzi, but she quickly became my baby.

I spoiled her so bad that I never left her alone. Granny would babysit anytime we went somewhere she couldn't go, and I began wearing overalls so I could slip her inside and go most every place else. It wasn't what I should have done, but I snuck her in McDonald's as we ate and slid french fries down the front of my overalls so she could share in lunch.

The Health Department would have died if they knew. And she rode in my pocket no matter where I went. That was life with Cherry, and it went on for many years. She saw the birth of both my girls and did her part to help with them.

Life with my furry family would continue. Furries came and stayed as long as their little lives would allow. The love we shared has only increased, and they are just more spoiled every day.

Bambi (Bam Bam) came into our lives because our oldest wanted a Min-pin, but she quickly decided she was Cole's dog. Or maybe he was hers. It was hard to tell. She slept in bed with Cole from the time he was a tiny baby until she got so old she was nearly blind and deaf and she had to sleep in a safer spot. Then it was too dangerous for her to be on the bed. That little red spitfire passed away a month or so ago at the ripe old age of 16 1/2 which is nearly unheard of for a little dog. Cole will always have a hole in his heart where she lived.

I think she passed because she was grieving just as we were. Dewb had left us just a couple of weeks before she died and it was the most painful passing of a furry family member any of us had ever had. Losing him was something that was beyond belief. He never knew he was a dog, and he was far from being a pet. He was a little boy, and that was how we treated him.

The pain that left behind will never stop, and we only try to move on. But Bambi loved him too, and I think it was more than she could handle. Just as my Dad died when Mama did, Bambi left with Dewb.

Our pain continues and seems never to end. Duncan, sweet little Duncan who was brought into our lives to help fill a gap left us just a short two months after. It was sudden, fast unexpected and devastating. None of us knew how much we loved him.

So tears fill our eyes, and the pain is overwhelming as we try just to survive.

The furry family is the greatest thing, but with it comes pain. Pain because we love them so deeply.



If the world loved each other as honestly as those sweet little furry members of our families loved all of us. When you come home to that little face of your furry family, there is absolutely no doubt that they love you. Dogs have no concept of lying, no idea of hiding their feelings. So when they act glad to see you, well they are.



AMENDED  So many furbabies have crossed our paths, and it would take me days to fill in the names. But they were all loved with all our hearts and souls. They will be missed forever and left huge holes in our hearts. But I would not change a thing because they added so much love and happiness to our lives. Tears of joy, sadness, and heartache. Love those furbabies. Tiny man, you were such a sweet soul. Rottweiler beauty but such a softy. Everyone loved you, and we miss you still. Precious, Cassie, Cookie, Prissy, Penny, Toby, Rowdie, Sandy, Peppermint, Gidget, Duke, Baron and the list goes on. We loved them so much. There were a few cats that crossed our paths as beloved furbabies but Brian you were one of a kind, and we still talk of your antics.

Birds and fish filled our hearts as well. Our fur family has been large, but we loved and love them all. Cherish them because they are loyal, loving, and depend on you.