Daily Journey Toward Light

In this life, I have lived my illusion continued for what has felt like an eternity. You see I have or well had a big family growing up, but it was one I don’t think I ever felt like I was truly a part of. That feeling of not belonging was terrible and I buried it deep within trying my best to be a part of something. 

Yet, somewhere inside I always knew if I disappeared that no one would even notice.

Was it really that I didn’t belong or was that just part of my subconscious messing with me? I don’t really know. Funny thing that Daddy told me after Mama’s funeral was that they were Mama’s family and not ours so I shouldn’t worry that I wasn’t a part of anything anymore.

Sure I tried but it was like putting a square peg in a round hole. It just didn’t fit. If you go back and take a look a Mama’s Funeral, you could see that it was that way. There I was preparing to put my Mama in the grave and the rest were all loving and telling their mothers Happy Mother’s Day. I always wondered if they ever realized that the timing was not great for their display, but I don’t think so. 

They surely never knew how devastated it was making me. My insides were in such pain and no one seemed to notice. Sadly, I hated all of them. Actually, I think I hated every one. I hated those who still had their mothers, I hated those who had the big family I wanted, I hated those who finally ended up with the things I dreamed about. That hate was awful, it festered inside and tore me apart.

That was how it felt my whole life. The hidden turmoil of pain and feelings of alienation, still no one knew. My parents didn’t even know the true pain I was in. they just kept telling me it was all in my head and that I needed to control my ‘episodes’.

Control them? How could I control them, I didn’t even understand them. All I knew was that I was terrified to be away from home. 

We walked to school at that time but I rarely made it there. I would go running back home in horrified tears. It got so bad that Daddy would drive me there and meet a teacher on the corner. As that teacher held me screaming Daddy would drive away. 

That was how my bipolar manic episodes would be handled. That and adding another little pill to the ones that Mama had to crush because I feared choking on them. 

Lithium. That was the regimen of help I received in the 60’s for my problem. Strong, strong doses of lithium. 

Did it help me? No.

And the journey continues. Thanks for taking this walk down my very dark dismal memory lane. It was a scary place. No longer does that hate eat away at my mind. 

Now I have light.

The Ultimate Question: Who Am I? Why Have I Always Felt So Lost?

Who am I? What do I believe in?

 I guess the first thing I would say I believe in, would be my little family, my faith, and my belief in myself.

That is kind of funny, not the family and faith part of it. But the belief in myself. It has not been that many years at all that I have had any faith in me as a person. I was convinced that I was not smart enough, nice enough, good enough, or well anything enough. Now I have moved past an epiphany to see that I am all right.

It was not an easy journey to get to this point. I had a very hard uphill battle to gain some self-appreciation and self-worth.

 My self-esteem is still lacking, at the drop of a hat I can wither back into the person who felt unworthy. Everyone always asks me why I feel this way and it is just the way I have felt since I was tiny..

I am sure a lot of it stems from my BiPolar Disorder, but I just never felt like I belonged anywhere. I never felt like anyone would miss me if I disappeared. And from an early age, I have spent hours wondering why I was here on this Earth. Then an angel came into my life. An angel that told me I was his whole world. An angel that made me feel special.

And I married that angel. My journey to having any feelings of self-worth was not immediate, even though he tried for yeats to get me to see myself through his eyes. It was a lot of years and a lot of pain until I could finally look into a mirror. Look into a mirror. I had spent my life cherishing one particular mirror. This particular mirror that I saw when I was four years old, as my Mama was preparing for a Stanley Party. The hostess set out a mirror, and my heart fell in love. The catch was you had to sell 15 cases

of bubble bath to win it. Well as you can imagine my Dad bought 15 cases of bubble bath. We were swimming in bubbles for a very long time.

My mirror and the little face of my miracle. Cole, I love you so much, where have the years gone?

Even though I have cherished that mirror for 50 years, I had a phobia about looking into any mirror. I always felt like I was just too awful to look at my reflection and it kept me from using mirrors for my childhood. Now I can look in the mirror to fix my hair. And I seriously doubt anyone other than my husband even knew that.

Now I am a person who has interviewed celebrities, medical patients, worked with Senators and talked to Tribal elders. Sure I still throw up repeatedly before any of that, and I hyperventilate to the point I have passed out. But I have done it. Don't get me wrong there are days I can not even talk to my family, let alone sit down with someone so iconic as Tommy Chong.

Spending time with Tommy during the interview was a dream come true for an Ozarks kid who grew up with the iconic world of Cheech and Chong.

In one of my many interviews with musicians, I have to admit that this young man was one of my favorites. Yukmouth was a blast to talk, with his charm and charisma even I was at ease. From the moment, he pulled his grill out of his mouth and said "I got pretty teeth" I was hooked. He is a remarkable young man.

My uphill battle to learn to like myself has been an intricate highway of emotions that has brought me to tears and taken me to the highest mountains. I like me, I like the person I am, and I feel like I matter.
From the patients I have helped in their struggles to get medicine, to the strangers I have encountered in my life, I finally feel good about who I am.

So now as I ask Who am I? The answer is a long one. I am a wife, mother, nana, puppy grandma, friend, activist, author, artist, and a real person.

I know there will always be those who disagree. But for the first time in my life I know that's okay.


Because:

Haters gonna hate.