Who Am I? Thoughts On a Tilt-a-Whirl Flowing Flitting Can't Catch

Who am I is a tricky question when certain days strike. How do I explain what it feels like in my head? Well, this is as best of a description that I can give to those who have no idea what living with bipolar disorder or any other mental illness is like.

My mind is in a whirlwind. It feels like a tilt-a-whirl gone wrong. There are so many thoughts so much noise that it is hard to focus. I feel as if the actual sense of things is a fog far away.

As a kid when these days would come I sat in terror wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I say horror, but honestly, that doesn't quite explain the feelings that floated through my brain.

There are moments when it feels like the entire universe is talking all at once and I can't quite grasp one single word at a time. They are moving so fast through the corners of my mind that it almost takes my breath away.

Frustration, anxiety, and exhilaration mix with feelings of terror. Those combinations all make me feel tired, scared and give m a sense of wanting to run. Where do I run from the inner reaches of my mind? Where can I hide from the thoughts that follow me even when I sleep? That is if sleep will ever come.

Generally, on these days, nights or weeks I don't sleep. It seems that dreams will not come to a mind that is already so full of confusion. They say no rest for the wicked. So does that make me evil? Just kidding, maybe.

The things in my mind flash by like colors on a rainbow, then just as suddenly as they appeared they morph into a melting rendition of the same rainbow.

Nothing makes sense, but everything makes sense all at the same time.

There is a song by B o B that shows the world what my mind is feeling like at this time.

I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm
I'm out of my mind, I'm out of my mind

Out of my f**king mind
I'm, I'm out of my mind


The lyrics move fast sort of out of control, and as the song continues, it shows a moment in the mind of a bipolar.

These days are spent either at my laptop trying to control any thought I can corral. It might sound like an easy task to any one else, but it is as if I am trying to lasso a swarm of mosquitoes with dental floss.

Round and round the thoughts flow taunting me with their laughter making me want to grab them. But every time I get close they turn the other direction and run. It goes on and on making me tired.

The funny thing is that I often wonder if there is a tiny little line in my head indicating LOADING and it seems to continue endlessly. Loading, Loading, Loading, Loading. Never to finish and at some point, it must be restarted.