Who am I? I am a wife, mother, grandmother, and opinionated redhead. Oh, don't forget I am also bipolar. That honestly should tell you anything you might want to know about me. I am emotional. I love to laugh, but I cry a lot. I love with all my heart and more, but that lets me get hurt easily. I am loud but often too quiet. I can be strong, but I am also weak.
I have endured much in my life. Truly I have lived a life of been there done that. I have done so many things in my life and gone so many places different places. I have met people that thrilled me, shocked me, disgusted me, and some that have provided so much inspiration.
There has been so much fun in my life that it almost seems unfair to the rest of the world. Conversations with Senators, celebrities, mothers, fathers, and children of all ages has given me an enormous amount of happiness and knowledge.
I am still an overly private person, I don't share everything about my life (other than the ramblings of my mind), I hate talking on the phone, and I dislike crowds. The thoughts of meeting new people can often make me physically ill, but meeting someone I have known years can also deliver anxiety.
Past all the incredible people I have had the pleasure of meeting and talking to is the most important thing for this stage in my life. That is me, it took me many years to like the person I am, and now I do.
Most of the world doesn't understand what that is like. But I grew up thinking I was not worthy of anything. There were some in my life that brought out those feelings more than others, which only made it worse.
I am asked so many times in my life why I tell anyone that I am bipolar. It amuses me that anyone would ask because we have reached the point where it feels as if ALL doctors are using the diagnosis as a go-to.
Bipolar disorder seems to have reached a point where if anyone has a problem or gets upset then they must be bipolar. If you hear a celebrity or anyone getting out of control well that person must be bipolar.
I am not ashamed of being bipolar, but it gets to me that every time I hear a news program of an individual who did something, the first thing people say is "they are bipolar."
To those who ask me why I don't hide my bipolar disorder I laugh because ironically it seems everyone has the disorder. Underneath the laughter, I am annoyed that the world has turned this serious problem into almost a joke.
Bipolar disorder is not a joke. And it is not always the problem when people go wrong! Bipolar disorder is no more to blame than guns blamed for the individual who kills. It is the person who does the deed.
There is no shame in me for having a problem that is as much a part of me as breathing. I was diagnosed in 1967 long before the rest of the world decided this was the illness to have. My diagnosis was back in a time when the public knew nothing about this.
I was diagnosed back when the world wanted to hide it and be ashamed. But it is nothing to hide. It is just who I am.
Sure there are days when I can barely even stand to be around me, and I know the rest of the world doesn't want to be around me either. So those days I retreat to my inner sanctum and work on keeping a hold of sanity.
The years I hid this illness were awful. It is terrible to hide who you are to the world. It felt as if I was wearing a mask, days it was a clown mask, days it was a happy face, and days it felt more like I was the ghost in the room.
No, I am not the clown that is wondering around the neighborhood. No, I am not wielding a machete and knocking on doors. Even though there have been moments in my life when I felt as if I was the roaming crazy clown, I am still here.
Today I am a woman who laughs, cries, yells, curls in silence, and lives the best life I can. There are those who are still so ignorant to the illness that they wish I would hide it because they still believe this is just in my head.
I can not hide this, I will not hide this, and I will no longer be ashamed of who Terry is. For those who tell the world I am 'dead,' I will shed tears for the loss of you in my life but I can't or won't change who I am.
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