Who am I? I am a woman of many sides.
Being bipolar is not easy, being bipolar sends me deep within myself at times. That is the time I find it hard to surface; it is as if I am drowning in an ocean all alone. Surrounded by my family that loves me should help and it does, but there are those instances within my head that are just so hard.
So at this moment, I will let you walk with me in this world of an anxiety attack. My heart is beating so fast, it feels like a drum in my head. My head hurts, but not just hurts it is so painful. I feel so scared I can hardly focus, (so you will understand this is hard for me), my eyes are blurry, and I keep looking around like the world is going to collapse on me at any second.
My mind is racing, wondering what will happen next. I keep thinking something is just around the edge, and it is bad. My fear is climbing the scale to leap far off the page. I want to run, but where do I run? Why do I run? I have no idea, but the thoughts are there. I can't seem to stop them.
Where does this fear come from? Why me? Why can't I be like everyone else and control this aspect of my mind? So many thoughts, so much turmoil. It is overwhelming. I want to scream, but I can't. The world wouldn't understand if I stood in the yard and screamed. The neighbors would not appreciate it.
Everyone asks if I am okay. I try to nod yes through the tears that hide just behind the surface of my eyes. But the sparkle must be there. They have to see. But I am like this so often. I doubt they notice anymore. It is just Mom being Mom. But it is awful. I want to curl up in a ball and
have it all go away, but it won't leave.
The pounding of my heart is so loud, I swear the entire world can hear. Can they not hear it? Why won't it slow down? I know I have to make it calm down, or it is another trip to the ER, and I don't want that.
Life, it has moved so fast. Why did certain things turn out like this? I miss, I cry, I wish things were different. But what can I do? People can't be made to love you, they just turn their backs and walk away.
I thank God every second of every day for Lynn, Heather, and Cole. Wow, I know that dealing with me is a handful. The tears, the silence, the anxiety. How on earth do they do it?
Medication, after medication. The drugs only make me feel like a zombie, so what is better this horrified feeling of losing control or zombie?
My tears try hard not to fall, I don't want anyone to see. All I want is for this to end and no one to see that again I am in full anxiety mode. I want to be different, I want to be calm. But it just doesn't seem possible.
I have so much I need to do, but my mind only floats around in this foggy mist of confusion.
Anxiety. It is different for everyone. For me it is often, it is strong, and it has no limits to its torture.
Now I must just remember. Breathe in, breathe out. Focus, focus. This feeling will pass. Won't it?
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