Learning who you are is not an easy task for any child or adult for that matter, but adding bipolar to that only exaggerates by a billion. For me, I learned the art of illusion. My mania was turned inward in the hopes of making it go away. But it did not move it only festered like a cancer within my soul.
That festering led me to have many moments of despair so intense I longed for an end. Imagine being just a small child and wanting out of this thing called life.
Like so many, I felt that this was something I was doing wrong. The thoughts by certain people that being Bipolar is a choice filtered into my mind. So it only made me despise myself even more. And that inner hate led to the thoughts that I was nothing but a bother to the world around me.
My soul was a dark abyss that longed to drag me deep within the reaches of the pit that lived inside my mind. Every day became a struggle to keep from falling off that cliff into the black hole. Even as a small child I knew there was no return from that. But part of the struggle was not to let anyone know what was going on inside my head.
A grand illusion began to surround me. I tried desperately to look like other kids and tried to act like other children, while I hid the many hours spent hidden in the back of the closet questioning God on why I was here. I would beat my head against the wall and even beg for removal from the equation of life. Life went on.
That was my beginning life as a confused and lonely bipolar child living in a world that didn’t acknowledge the existence of this unknown problem.
When truly the grandest illusion of life is simply life itself. Everything we have been taught or seen probably is just the perception that someone else is striving to get us to see. So what is the truth?
Maybe nothing. Maybe everything is just that illusion.
Families we think are the “Leave it to Beaver” bunch are in truth just a group who can put on a beautiful face when the world looks at them. Look at the single face of Jared Fogle (Subway frontman) that seemingly innocent face turned out to be nothing more than a predator. A wolf in sheep’s clothing.
The “beautiful” people around us have turned out to be predators in their rights are in the same category as Jared Fogle. So who do we tell our children to trust? When is the news filled with people from all walks of life showing their true natures as terrible people? Who do you trust?
Life is the illusion that humanity loves one another, but look around we can all see that isn’t the truth. Does humankind care about anything anymore? Money, social standings, image are just a few things that people consume themselves with above the world around them.
It is excellent and noble when people travel to foreign countries to help those in need, but the truth is that they “step” over all the people around them in trouble to do that. So why not start next door when you are on a mission to help?
Don’t get me wrong I do know there are real people out there, and it is just a shame we have to dig so deep within the bowels of crap the world is full of to find those rare gems of goodness.
Growing up in a small town in Southern Missouri I began my journey to learn who I am and what the world contains. It was going to be a long and hard trip. A single trip and a very confusing one. But it was a journey I needed to take and one I have come out on the other end much wiser than I began.
No matter where this journey takes me I still feel slightly alone. When I was a little girl (and if I am sincere there are moments still in life like this for me) anyway as a kid I would wonder if I died would anyone miss me?
Stay tuned for more on this challenging trip. It is going to be a bumpy ride so buckle up and hang on.
No comments:
Post a Comment