My life dealing with Bipolar Disorder has been a jumble of sleepless nights, and both ends of the spectrum of emotions. My ups are as high as they can go and my lows so far down past the point that the average person has ever seen.
My morning began, well began long before the sun rose. If I want to be technical my night and day all merged into one. The air was crisp and the night beautiful, but I just was not in a place to enjoy any part of it.
Imagine if nothing but angry butterflies filled your head. That may seem ridiculous, but the mental illness of bipolar disorder can feel as if it sends your mind spinning out of control.
The thoughts that float around inside my brain go from having no context to being so deep. Imagine that your body and soul is like a line of dominos situated waiting to fall at just a slight flick of a finger. That is what I feel right now.
It is hard to breathe, hard to swallow. Bipolar Disorder is my life. It is who I am, and it can make life difficult.
The feelings that swarm can feel like a vise is squeezing so tight my ribs might crush. The pounding in my head seems like a million little villagers echoing the arrival of an enemy. Pounding, pounding. Drums that never stop, only get louder.
My arms and hands are numb, tingling. It makes the simple act of typing this blog a tough task. I can't think straight; I can't focus on things. All of that is how I feel today; it is just a day in the life of me. My Bipolar world.
Being Bipolar is such a rollercoaster of emotions that the days like today that go down so fast are some of the most difficult times I experience.
Dealing with the pain that comes from everywhere and nowhere at the same time makes me feel strange. Even those around me that deal with my moments of darkness and quiet solitude have a difficult time. It is not easy to deal with me.
I know they suffer from the desire to make me 'better'. It is just my reality. Sure, it is not perfect, but what part of life is perfection?
Everyone always wants to do something to make it stop, and everyone spends a lot of time saying 'I'm Sorry.' When the real truth is that it is no one's fault it is nothing anyone has done; it is nothing that I have done. It merely just one of the days of my life.
All I want to do is find somewhere dark, wrap in a warm blanket, cry myself into oblivion, and just sit. Depression is that way. Even when you have nothing to be depressed about, that is the actual existence for the Bipolar.
I try to always remind myself 'this too will pass'.Those little words are a mantra in my mind as I know the sadness I feel will cease, eventually.
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