Who am I? Panic Attacks, Pain, and Seclusion a Bipolar Moment

Who am I? Well, today I am a bipolar woman who has had a rough month or so. I am just now feeling like I am once again part of the human race. Honestly, I don't know where my mind has been for the last month or so, it has had a mind of its own.

Life is not comfortable, no matter who you are, or what you comes your way. That's just the sad, cold truth of things. But when you deal with Bipolar Disorder on top of what life throws at you, well it can be more of an uphill struggle.

This last month or so, I have had panic attack after panic attack. The episodes have been so bad that for a significant part of the time I have had to use oxygen to help me even breathe. It feels like I can't catch my breath and that makes my heart work even harder. To top off my existence, I have an arrhythmia (Afib) issue accelerated when one of these attacks strikes.

I have kept as secluded as possible during this mentally difficult time, and I am just now feeling like I can join the world to some degree. Sure, I am not the most social person in the world. I would rather stay away from the hustle and bustle that the rest of the society calls life, I like the peace and quiet of solitude. I am the luckiest woman in the world to have a little family that understands I am better off away from crowds.

It is not fun. As a small child, I can remember sitting in the corner of my bed or even hidden in the back of my closet as one would grab me. I felt as if I were dying because I had no idea what was happening. At times I would sit with my hand on my heart wondering if I was dead. It was terrifying, to say the least.

Imagine as a child that your heart is beating so fast you feel like you will pass out and you have no idea what to do. Imagine that everyone tells you that it is in your head. They keep telling you to stop being dramatic. But this is not something that I want to do; it is not something I can make myself no do. The reality of panic attacks and Afib episodes are what life is like for me.

So, here I sit once again needing the oxygen machine to help me calm my racing heart and ease my shortness of breath. Why does this happen? I honestly wish I knew, the only thing I am sure of lies in the fact that it does happen.