Who am I? Valentines Reflections

Who am I? Well on Valentine's Day everyone celebrated the love they share with someone special, I'd like to take a moment and reflect on the memories.

Lynn and I have celebrated 36 valentines together, and each one is remarkable in my mind. From the very first one when we couldn't afford much, and he brought me the most beautiful single rose. I cried as I held that little rose in my hands and of course, it became a dried memory in the Family Bible. That little rose was followed by dozens more in multitudes as well as many elaborate meals we have shared.

However, the one meal that still stands at the top of the list was another moment when money was sparse. We shared one small cheeseburger (back when McDonald's sold them for 59 cents, a LONG time ago) and a small soda. The cost was a mere dollar, but that meal that we split was the most precious one we have shared in our 36 years together. A simple meal that stands above the expensive ones we have had
in our time together.

From the small moments in life to the large things, everyone should remember the important stuff. It is not how much money you have in the bank, it is not the car you drive, nor is it that high powered job you have. What is important is the love. Those tiny moments we share with our loved ones. The sweet movement to wipe a tear away, picking someone up when they fall, holding the hand of someone scared, and all the tiny things that we do (hopefully) every day with those near and dear to our hearts.

So as the world gave tons of candy and flowers to their valentines, I hope that more remember that every day is a gift with love in our lives.

Who am I? Naïvety and Daily Life

Life, love, and happiness, the recipe for a happy soul. Seems like a simple thing, live your life, love your family, and bam you are happy. Why is it so difficult? Why is it impossible at times?

You live a life that is good, decent, and you treat others with respect and kindness, yet it seems like you continually get kicked in the teeth. So what is it? Why is this thing called life so hard? Why does the world appear to fight us at every turn?

Maybe this is just things that go through my warped mind, but I contemplate that very thought daily. You grow up to think that your family will always be there for you, that children will love their parents, parents will take care of their children, being married means faithfulness, and our government will do what is best for the people. So many of those statements are so far from the facts.

It only takes watching our news one night to see that the world is not those things. People don't seem to love one another, families aren't what they used to be, and the government appears to have forgotten the art of caring for its people. Marriages fall apart like jigsaw puzzles. I have heard so many say they married fast because 'if it doesn't work out they will get a divorce, cause it is easy.' How sad that the thought and care that should go into starting a life together and a family has gotten so flippant.

These same said about babies. We live in a society that has a morning after pill, taken with little thought. Now, don't get me wrong I whole-heartedly believe that abortions are wrong. I would not have one, and I thank God every day that my Mama felt the same way.  She was told to have one when she was pregnant with me, due to cancer and she choose my life instead. However, I am not naive enough to think that being illegal will keep women from having them. And when they are,  women will continue to seek dangerous situations that can cost them their lives just to have the abortion.

So, what is the answer? For me, it is just to spread information to the general public and pray that women change their beliefs toward ending a pregnancy. There are thousands of loving, caring individuals who want children, without the ability to have them.

I know that can be a naive way to look at things because changing someone's way of thinking is probably not going to happen. But hey, I can dream.

The reality of life struck me years ago when I realized that blood didn't make people family and raising a child didn't mean it would love you.

Who am I? Proud Mama, Happy Birthday Little Surprise

Who am I? Well, I am the proud mom to an awesome son who turns 17 on January 9, 2017.

It is fabulous to have such an amazing son, but he is my little miracle. After I had given birth to his sister, Heather, I could not have any more children. That was devastating to me because growing up I imagined having MANY children and I would have taken an entire house full. Now, I never really wanted to go as far as the Duggars with their insanely large family, but I wanted a large family.

It wasn't easy for me, cause we tried a long time before my first daughter was born. Being a mom was the greatest thing I ever accomplished, and I have loved it immensely. Then, two was all I could they thought I could have and it took me some time to get a grip on that. I finally did and never gave it another thought.

Then, the shocking thing happened. My Mama died. It was so hard to have that hole in my life that losing her had left and I prayed for strength to get over the intense pain. That was when the blessing occurred.

I wasn't feeling well, and I knew I probably had a kidney infection, so a trip to the doctor was necessary. Walking into the room, the doctor looked me in the face and told me he had good news and bad news. I was a little scared because I was still dealing with some serious heart problems. It hadn't been but a year or so that I had suffered what they thought was a stroke.

For months I went from specialist to specialist while they tried to make me better. Each of them gave the same response, "We know you are sick, but we don't know why." So life moved on as I learned to deal with my heart problems. Afib wanted to rule my life, but somehow it didn't.

So I sat in a scared state as the doctor began his diagnosis. Well, he said first you have a kidney infection. Okay, I laughed and told him I knew that. And he told me you're pregnant.

What? I couldn't believe it. They said I couldn't but could this be true? I was in such shock that it didn't hit me for a while. I was going to have another baby! Wow, miracles do happen.

My oldest would be okay with the news, I thought. I was terrified to tell Heather. She had said to me for a few years that she never wanted me to adopt a kid or have any more, because in her words "no one loves the middle child."

I was terrified, how would I look into those big blue eyes and tell her she was going to be the middle child? I cried tears of happiness and tears of sadness. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt one of my kids. I love the so much and would do anything for them. Still, this pregnancy felt like a gift from God, and I was so excited.

Although I was scared to tell her I knew I had to, it wasn't like this was something I could hide. And you know how things in life don't go like you think they will? Well, this was most definitely one of those times. Because strange enough when we told Heather the reaction was entirely different. She was thrilled to be someone's big sister. And she has been the best big sister anyone could ever dream of having.

The story was much different for her older sister. I heard many things from her, including "how could you? You know how to prevent that? What were you thinking?"

I never imagined that getting pregnant would be such an embarrassment to a teenage girl. But it seemed to have been. While this pregnancy appears to be a gift from God for me, it was a much different thing for her. I don't think she ever forgave me for what she felt was the ruination of her life.

This pregnancy yielded me the most remarkable young man for a son. I couldn't have imagined a perfect little boy than Cole. Even his obsessive compulsive tendencies which we embrace completely make a young man that is beyond belief.

He has reached a height like my dad, totally towering over the rest of us and a voice that sounds like my dad. This little boy that used to introduce himself as 'the surprise' has added so much to my life that I could never repay the blessings entirely.

When I prayed for strength to handle the loss of my Mama I had no idea that this little man would step in just in time to fill the hole that losing Daddy left as well. I lost both of them but I know they sent Cole to me and I see both of their spirits in him every day.

Being a mother is the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and I say thanks every second of every day.

So to Nicholas Cole, I say Happy Birthday my little man, my little surprise, my joy, my life, and a wonderful young man. You are more than any mother could hope for. I love you with my heart, my soul, and everything in between. My, this day be all you deserve and more.

Who am I? New Year's Resolutions

Christmas is over and the New Year is right in front of us, so what are the new things to accomplish? What are your resolutions for the coming year? Will you lose weight, exercise more, move, find love, or give up smoking?

Resolutions have been a part of history for thousands of years. The Babylonians are said to have been the first to start the practice of resolutions. They by promising to their gods to return borrowed items and pay their debts. That would be a superior resolution even by today's standards.

The Romans continued the resolution by making promises to their god Janus, the month of January was named for that particular god. In Medieval times the Knights took what they called a 'peacock vow' to reaffirm their vows to chivalry as a continuation of the resolution practice.

This practice began to become a part of a quarter of all American adults by the Great Depression and has risen to a solid 50% of the population in today's world. It would probably stand that the 50% statistic is a very conservative answer with far more people making resolutions. However, a vast majority of those resolutions are a private thought without formal acknowledgment.
Most popular resolutions:

• lose weight
• quit smoking
• make new friends
• travel more
• improve finances
• pray more often
• be kinder

No matter what the resolution happens to be, the real reason behind the practice remains the same. Self-improvement is the root concept of whatever promise a person makes.

Success or failure depends on the person making the resolutions. Statistics say that about 35% make unrealistic goals, 33% fail to follow through with the promise, and 23% just simply forget their promise. 1 in 10 claims that they simply make too many resolutions for anything to happen.

So what are your promises to the new year and a new more improved you? Will you lose that extra weight or put down cigarettes for the last time?

For me, I prefer just to promise to be thankful for what blessings pass my way. I promise to treat people as I hope they treat me. I promise to work hard to be as healthy as I possibly can, and I promise to remember that the little things in life can often be the most blessed of your life.

As the new year creeps slowly towards us on this last week of the year, I hope that everyone remembers to smile. It could be that simple act of smiling that allows you to have everything that you desire and to fulfill all your resolutions

Why could a smile lead to all of those things? Because if you work daily to be happy it often follows that happiness will come to you. So spread joy and happiness. Stop the anger and hatred that is tearing this world apart.

Who am I? Merry Christmas over the Years

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ONE AND ALL!!!!!!

Christmas is a time of joy, love, and celebration. Growing up in the Ozarks was a grand time for holidays. It was a time that everyone got together to celebrate the birth of Christ, enjoy a great meal, and spend time with family.

My holidays started just before deer season when Mama pulled out the tree lit with love and happiness. Seeing that tree always brought me such joy, the colors, the lights, and the ornaments were so beautiful. It wasn't until I was six that we got our first real tree or a green tree for that matter. Up until that time, it was a silver tree with bright red glass ornaments and a fan-like contraption that spun a color wheel that twirled red, green, yellow, and blue over the silver tree. It was magnificent.

For hours I would lie beneath that tree staring up into the silver branches as the colors spun past my eyes. Christmas was all traditions and fun. First, we would wait patiently for the lights on the Courthouse to be turned on. I say calmly but honestly, it was far from patient. We ran around all day asking over and over if it was time yet and Mama would smile and say 'you have to wait.' Finally, it was dark, and Mama pulled the chair to the window for me as Larry stood beside her. I climbed on the chair holding on tight to her arm as I waited for the red and green lights to come on. Then, like a twinkle in the night they popped on, and it thrilled my little heart to no ends.

Looking back at the simplicity of the lights it seems hokey, but they were thrilling. In today's standards probably not so much, but in the early 6o's it was unbelievable. Then, our next request was to drive around and look at the lights. It was the greatest tradition sitting in the backseat as Daddy drove us all over town looking at the bright reds and greens of the Christmas lights. They were not as extravagant as you will find today but they were remarkable and made a lasting effect on many little boys and girls.

Things were great as we enjoyed the holidays growing up, decorations were gorgeous, the food was awesome, and the joy was plenty.

Our tree didn't have thousands of dollars of presents wrapped underneath yet we were thankful for the bounty. The holidays were great.

The day before Christmas always spent at Granny's house. A group of the girl cousins and mothers gathered to bake pies. And did we bake a lot of pies! Most of us had a special pie baked. Apple for one, pumpkin for another, raisin for my Daddy, and so on. The count was around 35 pies total. Amazing when you think of it, but that was the way things were.

We opened our presents on Christmas Eve because Christmas Day was full from the moment we awoke. After presents, we made our way to Jack and Opal's for the celebration of Christmas Eve. It was tradition to spend that night with their family and Opal's wonderful treats. It was a great thing.

What does Christmas mean to you? I look forward from the beginning of the year for those bright colored decorations and the lights. I look forward to the festivities every year. But those days as a child will stay with me forever.

Now it means many different things. My daughter and I start with Black Friday. It is not that we rush out and spend a ton of money, we simply enjoy the moment with a flair of fun. Then our decorations go up all the Santas, garlands, snowmen, candles, and lights. It is such fun to see the colors flash and the smiles on the Santas as the house transforms into a real winter tree wonderland.

I feel like a kid as they twinkle in the night and no matter how old I get it is still fabulous to sit in the dark watching the tree sparkle. That is when the memories of every Christmas with my kids floats before my eyes. The memories of tiny fingers digging into the sweet potatoes warning everyone to stay back because 'they are too good.' The memories of little fingers opening up the presents that send them into fits of giggles.

Sure, there are memories that aren't so good. The ones when we were in the early years of Lynn's injury and times were lean. Even when there wasn't anything for Christmas, the kids smiled and laughed with joy. Even the year we spent in the situation of near homelessness, the girls laughed with pleasure.

My memories run over with sounds of laughter as we stand in line to see Santa. Even the year that Cole could only say, "Santa has boobs."

That followed many other years, including the year I handed Heather to Santa only to have her climb his shoulder and jump to my Dad. She never really got to the point she would sit on his lap. It also held a year where Santa was drunk, and the girls were not happy about his smell.

How could I blame them, he was pretty toxic.

Blessed in so many ways, I have lost count of all mine. My life hasn't always been easy, but whose has? With certain issues that were far from my control, I have things others never possessed.

Christmas to me means spending quality time with my family. It means love, smiles, and remembering to be thankful for all the beautiful little things that fill our lives.

Presents are not what Christmas is about, and it is the love that Christ has provided to us with his birth.

Who Am I? What is Bipolar Disorder Really? Just Get Over It

Who am I? Funny, I ask that question so often and still I am not positive what answer really fits.

I know I am a Mom, a wife, a Nana, and doggy Nana. But who am I besides that? Being bipolar is not what I want to identify with. However, it is exactly what I need to identify with. Strange the one thing I hid for so many years of my life is what I feel is the real me.

Growing up I was constantly told by my Mama to just keep it all inside. I don't blame anyone, you see it was the way things were. Mental illness, bipolar disorder or as it was called then Manic Depression, was not something that the world really understood.

They were of the belief that it was just like a cold, I would get over it. So it began my life of being told to 'get over it'.

Bipolar Disorder by:
Definition

BIPOLAR DISORDER also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks.

• Bipolar I Disorder— defined by manic episodes that last at least 7 days, or by manic symptoms that are so severe that the person needs immediate hospital care.Usually, depressive episodes occur as well, typically lasting at least 2 weeks. Episodes of depression with mixed features (having depression and manic symptoms at the same time) are also possible.
• Bipolar II Disorder— defined by a pattern of depressive episodes and hypomanic episodes, but not the full-blown manic episodes described above.

Bipolar I Disorder, that is me. 

Even, after all these years and it has been a long time.My diagnosis was in 1967, and I will not do the math to let you know how many years that has been. If you want to know how long that has been, well do the math. But I only say it has been a LONG TIME. 

My first treatment was a dosage of lithium every morning. I had a deep phobia of choking so my Mama would crush the pill up and feed it to me with a spoon. I can still see myself sitting on the kitchen counter as she crushed that pill, so long ago.

Ironically, it didn't stop anything. Or maybe it kept it from getting too bad. I don't know, all I know for sure was that it was a miserable time for me. The manic episodes were awful, and I know it was hard on my parents as much as me. But I still felt so alone. 

That was when I began to take moments to hide in the closet when things got too intense in my head. 


One of the most difficult things to handle comes in the form of people who still feel like this is a made up disease. Guess what folks, why the hell would I make it up? It hurts when their ignorance is so strong that all they want is to convince me to 'get over it.' 

Bipolar disorder is nothing we can just 'get over,' this is the way things are, and as more people come forward admitting they suffer, it is time for the ignorant to realize the truth.

The funny thing is that while I suffer from this disorder, it is the ignorant I feel sorry for.

Who Am I? Walk In My Shoes During An Anxiety Attack

Who am I? I am a woman of many sides.

Being bipolar is not easy, being bipolar sends me deep within myself at times. That is the time I find it hard to surface; it is as if I am drowning in an ocean all alone. Surrounded by my family that loves me should help and it does, but there are those instances within my head that are just so hard.

So at this moment, I will let you walk with me in this world of an anxiety attack. My heart is beating so fast, it feels like a drum in my head. My head hurts, but not just hurts it is so painful. I feel so scared I can hardly focus, (so you will understand this is hard for me), my eyes are blurry, and I keep looking around like the world is going to collapse on me at any second.

My mind is racing, wondering what will happen next. I keep thinking something is just around the edge, and it is bad. My fear is climbing the scale to leap far off the page. I want to run, but where do I run? Why do I run? I have no idea, but the thoughts are there. I can't seem to stop them.

Where does this fear come from? Why me? Why can't I be like everyone else and control this aspect of my mind? So many thoughts, so much turmoil. It is overwhelming. I want to scream, but I can't. The world wouldn't understand if I stood in the yard and screamed. The neighbors would not appreciate it.

Everyone asks if I am okay. I try to nod yes through the tears that hide just behind the surface of my eyes. But the sparkle must be there. They have to see. But I am like this so often. I doubt they notice anymore. It is just Mom being Mom. But it is awful. I want to curl up in a ball and
have it all go away, but it won't leave.

The pounding of my heart is so loud, I swear the entire world can hear. Can they not hear it? Why won't it slow down? I know I have to make it calm down, or it is another trip to the ER, and I don't want that.

Life, it has moved so fast. Why did certain things turn out like this? I miss, I cry, I wish things were different. But what can I do? People can't be made to love you, they just turn their backs and walk away.

I thank God every second of every day for Lynn, Heather, and Cole. Wow, I know that dealing with me is a handful. The tears, the silence, the anxiety. How on earth do they do it?

Medication, after medication. The drugs only make me feel like a zombie, so what is better this horrified feeling of losing control or zombie?

My tears try hard not to fall, I don't want anyone to see. All I want is for this to end and no one to see that again I am in full anxiety mode. I want to be different, I want to be calm. But it just doesn't seem possible.

I have so much I need to do, but my mind only floats around in this foggy mist of confusion.

Anxiety. It is different for everyone. For me it is often, it is strong, and it has no limits to its torture.

Now I must just remember. Breathe in, breathe out. Focus, focus. This feeling will pass. Won't it?