Appointment Blahs

Well, my appointment for the mental health evaluation is over. It took me a few days to recuperate from the added stress it caused. I spent added nights of no sleep, added moments of anxious crying, added moments of pulling my hair (which by the way is a real phobia called Trichotillomania) and so many moments of just sitting waiting.

Trichotillomania is a symptom of anxiety that is characteristic of the OCD act of pulling your hair out, twisting your hair, and tugging at your hair. Can you believe it all this time I have dealt with versions of pulling my hair and even the times before my family took to hiding the scissors, cutting it.
One particular moment of real anxiety and stress, Lynn came home to me when I had cut all my hair off and it was shorter than his. WOW, was not his reaction.

I work really hard to just let this 'problem' come out in the form of twisting and tugging on my own hair, but hey to find out that it really is something that other people deal with to. That knowledge makes me feel a little better.

My visit with the Doctor was as it always is, they ask so many questions and I end up crying hysterically at one point of another and then I get to go home. But not until I take the test, the test that is made of the world's most trick questions ever put in one place.

If you look at those little tests they ask you the same question many, many times but just twist the words around. One will say do you, the next will be you don't and on and on. It really is a tricky thing and just another part of these little evaluations.

The most ironic part of the evaluation was the Doctor's admission that I was truly Bipolar and not one of the many he sees that are making it up or one of those misdiagnosed. Unfortunately and rather weirdly in today's world it has become popular to be Bipolar.

We have all heard of the famous actors who are coming out with diagnosis of Bipolar disorder and we have all heard the phrase 'oh, it is because they are bipolar'. I have heard so many people in the last few years jump up and say "I'm Bipolar, that is why...." and then a long list of things that this Bipolar has caused.

WELL, to those people I ask why? I have lived for over 50 years with this thing that has not made things easy. It has caused me so much pain, so many tears, and even the loss of ones I loved dearly. Because not everyone truly believes that this is something I can't help, in some of the world's opinions this is just something I need to "get over and get on with things."

I have been accused of just not wanting to do something or not wanting to go someplace, when the real truth is that I can't.

There are days and moments that I am not able to go among the rest of the world. I can not function when I am and no matter what I do this is just a reality.

I spend my time trying to be 'normal' when the real truth is that this is normal for me.

But what really is normal? Huh, that is the question of the day.