Who Am I? Thoughts On a Tilt-a-Whirl Flowing Flitting Can't Catch

Who am I is a tricky question when certain days strike. How do I explain what it feels like in my head? Well, this is as best of a description that I can give to those who have no idea what living with bipolar disorder or any other mental illness is like.

My mind is in a whirlwind. It feels like a tilt-a-whirl gone wrong. There are so many thoughts so much noise that it is hard to focus. I feel as if the actual sense of things is a fog far away.

As a kid when these days would come I sat in terror wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I say horror, but honestly, that doesn't quite explain the feelings that floated through my brain.

There are moments when it feels like the entire universe is talking all at once and I can't quite grasp one single word at a time. They are moving so fast through the corners of my mind that it almost takes my breath away.

Frustration, anxiety, and exhilaration mix with feelings of terror. Those combinations all make me feel tired, scared and give m a sense of wanting to run. Where do I run from the inner reaches of my mind? Where can I hide from the thoughts that follow me even when I sleep? That is if sleep will ever come.

Generally, on these days, nights or weeks I don't sleep. It seems that dreams will not come to a mind that is already so full of confusion. They say no rest for the wicked. So does that make me evil? Just kidding, maybe.

The things in my mind flash by like colors on a rainbow, then just as suddenly as they appeared they morph into a melting rendition of the same rainbow.

Nothing makes sense, but everything makes sense all at the same time.

There is a song by B o B that shows the world what my mind is feeling like at this time.

I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm
I'm out of my mind, I'm out of my mind

Out of my f**king mind
I'm, I'm out of my mind


The lyrics move fast sort of out of control, and as the song continues, it shows a moment in the mind of a bipolar.

These days are spent either at my laptop trying to control any thought I can corral. It might sound like an easy task to any one else, but it is as if I am trying to lasso a swarm of mosquitoes with dental floss.

Round and round the thoughts flow taunting me with their laughter making me want to grab them. But every time I get close they turn the other direction and run. It goes on and on making me tired.

The funny thing is that I often wonder if there is a tiny little line in my head indicating LOADING and it seems to continue endlessly. Loading, Loading, Loading, Loading. Never to finish and at some point, it must be restarted.

Who Am I In This World of Bipolars

Who am I? I am a wife, mother, grandmother, and opinionated redhead. Oh, don't forget I am also bipolar. That honestly should tell you anything you might want to know about me. I am emotional. I love to laugh, but I cry a lot. I love with all my heart and more, but that lets me get hurt easily. I am loud but often too quiet. I can be strong, but I am also weak.

I have endured much in my life. Truly I have lived a life of been there done that. I have done so many things in my life and gone so many places different places. I have met people that thrilled me, shocked me, disgusted me, and some that have provided so much inspiration.

There has been so much fun in my life that it almost seems unfair to the rest of the world. Conversations with Senators, celebrities, mothers, fathers, and children of all ages has given me an enormous amount of happiness and knowledge.

I am still an overly private person, I don't share everything about my life (other than the ramblings of my mind), I hate talking on the phone, and I dislike crowds. The thoughts of meeting new people can often make me physically ill, but meeting someone I have known years can also deliver anxiety.

Past all the incredible people I have had the pleasure of meeting and talking to is the most important thing for this stage in my life. That is me, it took me many years to like the person I am, and now I do.

Most of the world doesn't understand what that is like. But I grew up thinking I was not worthy of anything. There were some in my life that brought out those feelings more than others, which only made it worse.

I am asked so many times in my life why I tell anyone that I am bipolar. It amuses me that anyone would ask because we have reached the point where it feels as if ALL doctors are using the diagnosis as a go-to.

Bipolar disorder seems to have reached a point where if anyone has a problem or gets upset then they must be bipolar. If you hear a celebrity or anyone getting out of control well that person must be bipolar.

I am not ashamed of being bipolar, but it gets to me that every time I hear a news program of an individual who did something, the first thing people say is "they are bipolar."

To those who ask me why I don't hide my bipolar disorder I laugh because ironically it seems everyone has the disorder. Underneath the laughter, I am annoyed that the world has turned this serious problem into almost a joke.

Bipolar disorder is not a joke. And it is not always the problem when people go wrong! Bipolar disorder is no more to blame than guns blamed for the individual who kills. It is the person who does the deed.

There is no shame in me for having a problem that is as much a part of me as breathing. I was diagnosed in 1967 long before the rest of the world decided this was the illness to have. My diagnosis was back in a time when the public knew nothing about this.

I was diagnosed back when the world wanted to hide it and be ashamed. But it is nothing to hide. It is just who I am.

Sure there are days when I can barely even stand to be around me, and I know the rest of the world doesn't want to be around me either. So those days I retreat to my inner sanctum and work on keeping a hold of sanity.

The years I hid this illness were awful. It is terrible to hide who you are to the world. It felt as if I was wearing a mask, days it was a clown mask, days it was a happy face, and days it felt more like I was the ghost in the room.

No, I am not the clown that is wondering around the neighborhood. No, I am not wielding a machete and knocking on doors. Even though there have been moments in my life when I felt as if I was the roaming crazy clown, I am still here.

Today I am a woman who laughs, cries, yells, curls in silence, and lives the best life I can. There are those who are still so ignorant to the illness that they wish I would hide it because they still believe this is just in my head.

I can not hide this, I will not hide this, and I will no longer be ashamed of who Terry is. For those who tell the world I am 'dead,' I will shed tears for the loss of you in my life but I can't or won't change who I am.

Who Am I? Happily Married 36 Years Where Did The Time Go?

Who am I? There was a time in my life that statement went unanswered because I really didn’t know who I was or why I was even here. But for me, that changed when Lynn came into my life. I finally felt like I had a place, a reason for existing.

They say that love at first sight is a myth, but for those of us who have felt its powerful feeling well, we know the truth. We had our first date June 6, 1980. It was just a few days not even 2 weeks later, June 18, 1980, that we went to our families to tell them we wanted to get married.

Who am I? There was a time in my life that statement went unanswered because I didn’t know who I was or why I was even here. But for me, that changed when Lynn came into my life. I finally felt like I had a place, a reason for existing.

They say that love, at first sight, is a myth, but for those of us who have felt its powerful feeling well, we know the truth. We had our first date June 6, 1980. It was just a few days not even two weeks later, June 18, 1980, that we went to our families to tell them, we wanted to get married.

As the world might figure, that information didn’t sit well with them. Here we were a 16-year-old boy and an 18-year-old girl telling them we wanted to marry and start a life. We felt like we were adults after all don’t all teenagers think they know everything and are the most mature people on the planet?

What they didn’t know was that the feelings we had for one another were something far deeper than teenage lust or infatuation. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Lynn was the other half of my soul. The half that would help to keep me sane.

Our parents decided that we had to wait till September to get married. I know his mother was hoping I would go away before we got married. She was the one who felt the strongest about us not marrying and the one reason we almost had to run away to a state where we could marry. But his dad signed the papers (in an attempt to infuriate his mother, but we didn’t care the reason).

The wedding was not the one I had always dreamed about. Mama didn’t make my dress because the price was too high. We almost didn’t have any flowers because the money Mama and Daddy had for the wedding ran out. None of that mattered, and it still doesn't today.

But finally, I walked down the aisle to hold the hand of my soul mate and life began for us.

Married life is not an easy thing, especially for the young. But no matter how many people tried to cause trouble, no matter how many times our families pushed us aside, no matter the economic ups and downs, no matter the illnesses, accidents, and medical issues, no matter the turmoil from some unnamed individuals, no matter anything. We have made it through and are stronger for all the trials and tribulations that life has thrown in our paths.

Love, honest, true deep to the very soul love, is the greatest thing a person can have in their life. You give that to me.

No matter the 36 years we have been married, when I am in a crowd of people, I still feel your presence whenever you approach. I know the second you enter they store when I have been inside for any amount of time. Our connection is strong. Our connection is deep.

I am only the person I am today because you complete me.