Who Am I? Darkness of Depression Finds Sunny Skies

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Who am I? That has been something I have spent many years wondering. But in June of 1980, I was at one of the lowest moments of my life.

Everyone always says that your teen years are some of your best, for me, I sure hope not. Sure, there were some great times. But emotionally and mentally that was a very dark time for me.

I was graduating High School, and it should be having the-the time of my life. Most grads feel like they have the world by the tail and are preparing for a future. Not me, I was wondering what my purpose on this earth was, and I was lost.

Mental illness is an awful term, but that is what Bipolar disorder is in a nutshell. And I was suffering from the darkest depression I had ever experienced. I felt alone, unwanted, unloved, and completely lifeless.

Every morning I got up and went through the motions of living, but I wasn't. My sense of not belonging anywhere was adamant, and I was in such a dark place with no light. Then, out of the blue something happened.

My brother was not one who asked me to go with him places, and since he had gotten married, we hadn't spent any time together at all. So when he invited me to hang out with him after I got off of work, I should have wondered something. But in my haze of darkness I didn't.

We rode to a gas station, and Larry said he wanted to make a phone call. Again, I didn't think anything. He called Lynn asking him to come hang out with us. I thought okay, that was all right with me. I knew Lynn, but we didn't hang out or have the same set of friends, but this seemed fine to me.

It was just a matter of seconds that Lynn came pulling up in his little black cobra mustang. We all got into Larry's car and headed off to do the only thing to do in town. And that was to drive around and around until we got tired. Then we headed off on a dirt road finally making our way to a place in the woods where we could all sit around and drink beer.

Drinking beer when you are a teen can often be the only thing there is to do, I don't like beer now, and I didn't like it then. It was 1980 in the Ozarks, and that was all there was to do. So as Larry backed his car into the woods we settled in for a night of talking, looking at the stars, and pony Millers the beer of the Midwest teen in the 80s.

It was a breathtaking night. The stars were shining with such a sparkle that it felt like magic. Maybe there was some magic in the air, I don't know but as strange or impossible that it might sound I fell in love with Lynn.

There in the dark woods under the stars as we talked and walked down paths I fell in love. And remarkably he did too, it was a miracle or fate. I'm not sure,
My life would change and never be the same.I had someone that made me feel good that made me want to be a part of the world, and it was an incredible feeling.

When someone hears of that night we drove out into the woods, they always think it for us to do far more than talk. And even though circumstances caused rumors to spread, we didn't do anything but talk.

Those stories came from the fact that my work uniform which had been in Larry's car, ended up being dragged out of the car in the dark and left lying in the woods. So when a young boy found it, he took that uniform back to my work (it had my name on it) to leave it with my boss. So well I guess it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what happened next.

Once, the night was over Lynn followed us back to Larry's house and stayed till the early morning as we held hands and watched a movie. He was so sweet and wouldn't even kiss me when he left.

That shyness is still there under the surface 36 years later.

Our first official date happened the day after our starry night in the woods.

June 6, 1980, seems like it was just yesterday. Then, I look at the time on the calendar to realize it was 36 years ago. Lynn didn't stay away from Larry's house long that morning after he finally did go home. But it was just to shower and change clothes.

When he got back, the two of us joined Larry and his wife plus another couple. Hitting the highway, we headed to Mountain Home and the lake. It was a gloriously sunny day, and I felt alive. Alive.

We rode go-carts and got asked to leave because we were too rowdy in the owners words.

Then our little group was asked to leave Pizza Hut because we were laughing so loud. Looking back I laugh to myself because the reality was that we were a bunch of punk kids just having fun. We didn't hurt anyone; we just had fun..

That was the first day of the rest of my life. Lynn and I had a connection. One that is stronger today than ever, one that has protected us on this journey through life.

And it all started that long ago night in June of 1980.