Who Am I? That simple question can mean wondering Why me? And Why have something happened to me? Sure it is usual for people to feel sorry for themselves but for some in this crazy world that are the only thing they think of.
Just take a few moments to go shopping and listen to the people complain. It is a never-ending litany of why this and omg that. One person looks at another to mention their aches and pains. 'My back hurts.' They are then, met with a complete grocery list of the many things wrong with the other person, all in an attempt to prove who has the worst pain.
When did it become a competition to see who has it the worst? When did caring for others turn into 'but I feel worse' kind of world?
Think of the last time you went to the Doctor and remembered the people in the waiting room. For me, it was a group that all tried to outdo the others in their level of pain. I know that people have pain, I am not saying that. But why is there a contest to see how much more everyone suffers?
Isn't the pain in itself bad enough? Pain is awful. No matter where you hurt if you are a chronic pain sufferer, YOU HURT! Funniest the thing is that remember as a child the paper cuts you would get? That hurt so bad and still do. So as we remember those tiny cuts just take a moment and realize you don't have to see another's pain for it to be real.
Lynn has a head injury. We have dealt with years of people looking at him because he did things like mow the lawn or cut wood. A judge in our case answered it better than anyone ever had before. "I see nowhere in Mr. Johnson's file on his head injury that said it was his back. And unless he is mowing his lawn his head I see no problem."
That put it in a nutshell. But the world still looks at everyone else as if each and everyone in the world is lying about pain. Why would anyone lie?
But as we go through this crazy existence that we call life, we are all in the spot to at one time or another feel depressed. That depression comes from being tired, and pain or suffering is tiresome.
We as humans have a tendency to go through times of feeling sorry for ourselves, don't worry everyone has done it sometime in their life. I had had moments when that feeling overwhelmed me, but reality came calling.
It was in 1988 when Lynn was hurt riding a four wheeler. He was wounded awful, compound fracture of his shoulder among other things. After his surgery, he began to suffer from pneumonia that had one lung full of fluid, and the other one was over 98% complete. He was in terrible condition.
He lay in his hospital bed unconscious and slim chances for recovery. I watched him terrified for his health. Here I stood six months pregnant with a 3-year-old hanging onto my leg. What would I do? I felt so alone, sitting there watching the love of my life suffer, while I had no one but my child to comfort me.
I watched him lay in that bed; he was so sick, and he was my world. Placing my hand on my belly, I cried because this baby needed a daddy too. I cried because my three years old needed her dad. And I cried in fear of losing my best friend, my partner, my soul mate, and my love. What would I do without him?
Lynn's Doctor told me that if he were to survive the night, he had a 50% chance of surviving this. Which undoubtedly meant to me that he had a great chance of not surviving. I was horrified and more scared than I remember ever being.
Nowhere did it feel to me that I was selfish, I only thought of myself and my little family. It just didn't seem like I was doing anything wrong. I just kept saying "Why me? What have I done to deserve this?"
Then, nearly out of the blue I heard a rattling commotion. It seemed to echo out of nowhere, so I went to the hospital room's door. Slowly I opened the door to look out. It was almost 4 in the morning, and my eyes met two gurneys pushed by a group of nurses and orderlies. Every one of the people had such a look of sadness on their faces which made me look at the gurneys again.
The first one held a tiny little thing; I later found out she was barely three years old, burnt. But not just burnt, this sweet baby was suffering burns over 97% of her body. The tears ran down my cheeks, as they do still today just remembering that sad night so long ago. I gasped as I saw the second gurney held an even tinier little body. But this one was covered head to toe.
And I knew what that meant. A nurse stepped up to me, she saw my condition and knew I needed someone at that moment. As she placed a loving hand on my shoulders, she told me what had happened. The little girls were in a house fire, and the littlest one just didn't make it to the hospital.
My knees were weak, my heart sank, and I was ashamed. I was more ashamed than I had ever been in my life. How could I question God about my miserable life when those little babies had suffered so painfully? I was ashamed as I felt the wiggles of the unborn child and embarrassed as I looked at the beautiful little girl of mine asleep in a chair.
That was a moment when I know God reached down and slapped me. He hit with the knowledge that no matter how bad you think you have things, look around.That night I did look around, and I saw sights that would haunt me forever.
As I stared at my little girl asleep and I laid a loving hand on my stomach, I fell to my knees and begged forgiveness. I asked forgiveness for the horrid ways I had forgotten all the wonderful things in my life. I had forgotten just how fortunate I was.
In my begging I thanked God for my beautiful little girl, I thanked him for the healthy pregnancy. I thanked him for the time that Lynn and I had together. I thanked him for everything in my life, and I told him that if it was his will to take Lynn, then I only asked for the strength to handle it.
I said that if this was all the time with the love of my life, then I was grateful for that happy time. And I cried. I cried for those little angels that had suffered; I cried for the shame I felt at questioning.
The night continued as I cried and prayed. I gave thanks for every second of the time I had with Lynn and the morning sun finally came up.
With the rays of sun shining into that white hospital room, my morning greeted me with the beautiful blue eyes of my husband. He was lying there staring at me, and he had a beautiful smile on his face. And he was hungry. I laughed, I cried, and I hugged him.
The Doctor was surprised by the strange quick recovery he was witnessing. But I told him I wasn't surprised I knew why. And I was thankful.
So when I look in the mirror and ask Who Am I?, I know I am a grateful, very fortunate woman who has suffered, but I have made it through.
Do I step over someone who needs help? Not if I can do anything at all to help them.
Will you help someone?
The first one held a tiny little thing; I later found out she was barely three years old, burnt. But not just burnt, this sweet baby was suffering burns over 97% of her body. The tears ran down my cheeks, as they do still today just remembering that sad night so long ago. I gasped as I saw the second gurney held an even tinier little body. But this one was covered head to toe.
And I knew what that meant. A nurse stepped up to me, she saw my condition and knew I needed someone at that moment. As she placed a loving hand on my shoulders, she told me what had happened. The little girls were in a house fire, and the littlest one just didn't make it to the hospital.
My knees were weak, my heart sank, and I was ashamed. I was more ashamed than I had ever been in my life. How could I question God about my miserable life when those little babies had suffered so painfully? I was ashamed as I felt the wiggles of the unborn child and embarrassed as I looked at the beautiful little girl of mine asleep in a chair.
That was a moment when I know God reached down and slapped me. He hit with the knowledge that no matter how bad you think you have things, look around.That night I did look around, and I saw sights that would haunt me forever.
As I stared at my little girl asleep and I laid a loving hand on my stomach, I fell to my knees and begged forgiveness. I asked forgiveness for the horrid ways I had forgotten all the wonderful things in my life. I had forgotten just how fortunate I was.
In my begging I thanked God for my beautiful little girl, I thanked him for the healthy pregnancy. I thanked him for the time that Lynn and I had together. I thanked him for everything in my life, and I told him that if it was his will to take Lynn, then I only asked for the strength to handle it.
I said that if this was all the time with the love of my life, then I was grateful for that happy time. And I cried. I cried for those little angels that had suffered; I cried for the shame I felt at questioning.
The night continued as I cried and prayed. I gave thanks for every second of the time I had with Lynn and the morning sun finally came up.
With the rays of sun shining into that white hospital room, my morning greeted me with the beautiful blue eyes of my husband. He was lying there staring at me, and he had a beautiful smile on his face. And he was hungry. I laughed, I cried, and I hugged him.
The Doctor was surprised by the strange quick recovery he was witnessing. But I told him I wasn't surprised I knew why. And I was thankful.
So when I look in the mirror and ask Who Am I?, I know I am a grateful, very fortunate woman who has suffered, but I have made it through.
Do I step over someone who needs help? Not if I can do anything at all to help them.
Will you help someone?
I would love to hear other stories about times when God has slapped you into remembering to be thankful
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