Who Am I? Walk In My Shoes During An Anxiety Attack

Who am I? I am a woman of many sides.

Being bipolar is not easy, being bipolar sends me deep within myself at times. That is the time I find it hard to surface; it is as if I am drowning in an ocean all alone. Surrounded by my family that loves me should help and it does, but there are those instances within my head that are just so hard.

So at this moment, I will let you walk with me in this world of an anxiety attack. My heart is beating so fast, it feels like a drum in my head. My head hurts, but not just hurts it is so painful. I feel so scared I can hardly focus, (so you will understand this is hard for me), my eyes are blurry, and I keep looking around like the world is going to collapse on me at any second.

My mind is racing, wondering what will happen next. I keep thinking something is just around the edge, and it is bad. My fear is climbing the scale to leap far off the page. I want to run, but where do I run? Why do I run? I have no idea, but the thoughts are there. I can't seem to stop them.

Where does this fear come from? Why me? Why can't I be like everyone else and control this aspect of my mind? So many thoughts, so much turmoil. It is overwhelming. I want to scream, but I can't. The world wouldn't understand if I stood in the yard and screamed. The neighbors would not appreciate it.

Everyone asks if I am okay. I try to nod yes through the tears that hide just behind the surface of my eyes. But the sparkle must be there. They have to see. But I am like this so often. I doubt they notice anymore. It is just Mom being Mom. But it is awful. I want to curl up in a ball and
have it all go away, but it won't leave.

The pounding of my heart is so loud, I swear the entire world can hear. Can they not hear it? Why won't it slow down? I know I have to make it calm down, or it is another trip to the ER, and I don't want that.

Life, it has moved so fast. Why did certain things turn out like this? I miss, I cry, I wish things were different. But what can I do? People can't be made to love you, they just turn their backs and walk away.

I thank God every second of every day for Lynn, Heather, and Cole. Wow, I know that dealing with me is a handful. The tears, the silence, the anxiety. How on earth do they do it?

Medication, after medication. The drugs only make me feel like a zombie, so what is better this horrified feeling of losing control or zombie?

My tears try hard not to fall, I don't want anyone to see. All I want is for this to end and no one to see that again I am in full anxiety mode. I want to be different, I want to be calm. But it just doesn't seem possible.

I have so much I need to do, but my mind only floats around in this foggy mist of confusion.

Anxiety. It is different for everyone. For me it is often, it is strong, and it has no limits to its torture.

Now I must just remember. Breathe in, breathe out. Focus, focus. This feeling will pass. Won't it?

Who am I? Is Neo Still Stuck In The Matrix?

Who am I? Confusion seems to be the premise of the day but this quote from Keanu Reeves fits better than anything else. I so agree, do you?


"Where women do not want children, and men don’t want a family.

Where the suckers believe themselves to be successful behind the wheel of their fathers', and a father who has a little bit of power is trying to prove to you that you’re a nobody.

Where people falsely declare that they believe in God with a shot of alcohol in their hand, and the lack of any understanding of their religion.

Where the concept of jealousy is considered shameful, and modesty is a disadvantage.

Where people forgot about love, but are simply looking for the best partner.

Where people repair every rustle of their car, not sparing any money or time, and, they look poor that only an expensive car can hide it.

Where the boys waste their parents' money in nightclubs, aping under the primitive sounds, and girls fall in love with them for this.

Where men and women are no longer identifiable and where all this together is called freedom of choice, but for those who choose a different path-get branded as retarded despots.

I choose my path, but it’s a pity that I did not find similar understanding in the people among whom I wished to find it most of all … “ 
~ Keanu Reeves

Such strong words who else agrees? How are many others in the world tired of the mudslinging, crap calling, and worrying about things that are not important at all?

All the protests are proclaiming love, but all I see is hate.

We live in a world where people pay others to raise their children, where it is easier to ignore than help others, and where humanity feels lost.

As a child, I grew up in a community that allowed the kids of my neighborhood to roam freely without fear. We traveled beneath the town in the sewer tunnels having adventures. It was a time that we were able to go blocks away from home even when we were subtle. I was three when I began my roaming with the other kids.

Can you imagine? A three-year-old roaming all over town supervised only by a five, six, and seven years old? Could we do that today?

I would not even think about letting children that small run wherever they desired. But during that period in my life, it was safe. Everyone in town watched over us like hawks, so the illusion of not being supervised was just that imaginary. Today's world doesn't offer very many cases where others watch out for one another.

It was a time when you told your children to find a preacher, teacher, or policeman if they had trouble. What do you tell kids today? Sadly, all you have to do is watch the news to hear instances of someone in authority molesting a child.

What has happened to this world? People have lost themselves in everything.

Families aren't families any longer. Just because you raise your children with unconditional love doesn't mean they return that love. Just because you have large families doesn't mean you aren't alone.

Who Am I? A Proud American Who Gladly Stands Up

Who am I? Such a simple question but in this world of crap it is a deep thought. But as we move past the voting into a new era it is time to get past all the usual crap.

Headlines were indeed full of the usual political he said. She said stuff. Mudslinging is so bad it is covering the entire country. I am not sure I have seen such turmoil as to the candidates in my lifetime. But it hurts to see how this country torn apart from all the hoopla.

As we have all gathered around our televisions to watch the debates and hear what each candidate is going to do to improve our country, we have heard very little. We have instead heard how Trump had a potty mouth in the past, what a shock. We have listened how Hillary deleted emails. And we have heard buckets more of crap that has nothing to do with the Presidency.

Now, first of all, I don't like the way that Trump spoke or how men talk when they are alone. But get real people that are just how things are in our world. Words are just words. Trump has been around for many years and hasn't to my knowledge ever dealt with the same things that Bill Clinton did while he was President.

It is just heartbreaking to see such a reaction from the public. As we celebrate Veteran's Day, I hope the country just remembers to show respect to the office of the President and stop the crap.

I was a Trump supporter and still am. I feel he will work the office as a business, a business that needs to be prosperous. The things of the past don't seem to be working entirely so this sounds good to me. Okay, I completely understand that countless individuals disagree. Their opinions are completely different, but that is the way of Democracy. People have different opinions.

I was raised to be respectful even when someone disagrees with you. To me, I have always felt it was shameful to talk so terribly about any President. And I was not, nor am I now an Obama fan. But I never intentionally disrespected the President.


That same respect is given to the flag. I was taught such high respect for this symbol of our freedom. That flag was never to touch the ground and each flag no matter how small was to be given the same respect. We were taught to say the pledge of allegiance as we placed a hand over our hearts. Stand up to show respect during the National Anthem, remove our hats, and remember what this symbol stood for reference.

I respect the opinions of those who want to show support to any of their beliefs, but. The big but to that statement is that I DO NOT believe they are doing it when they disrespect the flag. Taking a knee during the National Anthem is not proper or right in my eyes. They are not showing support for their beliefs they are showing dishonor to our NATIONAL convictions.

So as Veteran's Day is upon us, I stand up for the flag; I stand up for freedom, I stand up for respect to all who have given everything for that freedom.

We need to learn that even though we might not agree with the President, he is still OUR PRESIDENT and that deserves respect.

All the riots, protests, offensive words spoken to each other because of the election need to stop. The disrespect of the flag is disgraceful and only giving those who want to destroy this great Nation a foothold to accomplish their plans.

I would hate to know what our founding fathers, who fought so hard to give us this country, would think about the way their 'children' are behaving.

Who am I? Top Reasons This Election Disgusts Voters

Who am I? Well, I am just one of the many disgusted Americans who is fed up with the election.

The top reasons we are fed up.

Voting for Hillary because she is a woman.
Seriously, how many are as fed up as I am that women are standing tall and proud to vote for Hillary just because of her gender? That is just making women look idiotic. To vote for a President merely on her gender status is moronic, to say the least. Come on ladies let's instead look at the qualifications the candidate has, just as the past voters stood up and voted for Obama because he is black.


Mudslinging, lies, name calling

An election to vote for our next President, but it looks more like a group of children on the playground drawing lines to see who doesn't have cooties. I have expected one of them to stick their tongue out at the other and scream,

• Arguments

I hate arguments, and all we see or hear are people arguing. He will do this. She will do that. Honestly, I am most definitely not a Hillary fan, but we have no real idea what any of them will do until they are actually in office.

• How many of us really think we have a choice? 

I vote, just because without voting do any of us have the right to complain. How many others are out there who feel that our votes don't decide anything? I wish it were different, but I lost that faith a long time ago.

• Obama bashing Trump

It utterly disgusts me to keep hearing a President bash a candidate. Personally, I feel he should hold a bipartisan stance while in office and keep his nasty opinions to himself. 

Now the best thing will be when this is over, and we can stop all of the fussings. Or will it stop? I fear the reaction of the public with the completed vote counts.

Who am I? My Journey From Naive to Medical Marijuana Cardholder

Who am I? All you have to do is reach down and grab a handful of sand, make sure you catch clean sand. Now, allow that sand to fall from your grasp to let the grains scatter. That is what we all are, just tiny grains of sand in the Cosmo of the world.

The election makes that knowledge even more prominent. As the small grains in a large pile of sand, no one person seems to make a difference. As just one little grain falls, one direction others will follow. So as you look at the elections remember as a lone piece of sand, we are inconsequential, but like a sand castle, we are strong.

I have gotten so frustrated with the elections and all the lies the candidates want to spread. It is sadly a case of mudslinging every time politicians run for office. However this seems to outshine all eternity with their levels of nasty.

So moving past he said, she said of the candidates I move my focus to some of the issues. And once again I am disgusted with the ignorance of so many individuals who are working to sway voters their direction. Still, they have no clue to the truth.

I am a former medical marijuana patient. The only reason I am not a card holder at the moment is that I am trying to help spread information to the rest of the world.

I did not grow up believing that marijuana had a purpose, I thought it was purely the 'devil's weed.' I assumed anyone who smoked it was going to hell. After all, it was illegal, how could it be okay?

Then, my life changed. My eyes opened. I had reached a challenging point in life. My Daddy had died just a short time after Mama. My identity stolen, our house burnt, and my family disowned me. It was a bleak time for me to say the least.

My psychiatrist had me on so many pharmaceutical drugs I didn't even really know who I was. And I didn't participate in life. It was a black spot in my life.

My mind was foggy, and it just kept getting worse. That caused my doctor to add more and more pharmaceuticals to the list that I took. My Doctor worked to convince me that every pill she added would be the one that made me feel better. She was wrong.

That was when my journey to enlightenment began. After much protest, I succumbed to Lynn flushing my meds, and I was convinced to smoke a joint.

How could this be right, I didn't feel worse I felt better. But my mind was fighting the concept. Marijuana could not be making me feel more human, or could it? Everything in my life and my world told me this was not possible.

That was the just the edge of the knowledge I would acquire over the next couple of years. We picked up and moved to California. It was as if we had transported to an entirely new planet.

Everyone had such a different view on marijuana. No one considered it evil; it was just a plant. Some people used it, grew it, and others didn't. The general public didn't place as much emphasis on it as you might think.

I continued to fight medical marijuana in my life. When you have felt one way for so long, it's hard to just throw that to the side. But I began to look at what it was doing for everyone around me.

We lived in a couple of neighborhoods where most everyone was growing weed. Not where I pictured myself living. It was not what the world thinks when they imagine pot growers. This group of individuals was just a bunch of ordinary people. There was a nurse, construction worker, retired engineer, old hippie lady, parents, grandparents, and just people.

It was not a commune. It was not a drug infested world of laziness. It was hard working people just trying to make their way through this life. There were those dealing with chronic pain, cancer, traumas, all sorts of diseases, and even just average daily stress.

The media tries to push the thoughts that modern medical marijuana would only cater to the hangnail generation. Those people who cry wolf about anything that would get them medical weed.

But the real truth is different. We have to realize that the statistics of individuals who are falsely getting hardcore pharmaceuticals is staggering. That is a REAL problem.

Medical marijuana was not causing even a fraction of the problems that pharmaceuticals were causing. So my world in California was leaning toward the real truth, marijuana was useful.

Finally, I was convinced enough to see a doctor about using medical marijuana. I thought like most people it was just a manner of saying I want to weed and bam you got a card. But, I was so wrong.

The doctor was so knowledgeable and helpful He knew that marijuana had to potential to help not only my bipolar disorder, but it was perfect for my chronic pain and fibromyalgia. So I joined the ranks of medical marijuana card holders.

It was weird. My Doctor helped me to learn the I should stay away from Sativa because it made me manic and he helped me to know that for me Indica could let me join life.

How strange it was to consume marijuana and all of a sudden I was feeling healthy. Or as normal as possible. I wasn't high, I wasn't out of it, and I felt good.


I never got to the point where I liked smoking, so my world became part of the edibles.

So much has been said about the harm of medical marijuana and especially how dangerous edibles can be. Those thoughts come out of the ignorance and lack of knowledge.

To the states that have marijuana legislation on the ballot, I hope the voters will all take the time to listen to people who have been there. Patients, parents, caregivers, and growers. Marijuana does not increase the crime rate of places that include it within their list of medications.

It is a different world that everyone thinks. Growers of marijuana are not drug kingpins; they are patients or caregivers who just want to make life better. The money made from growing marijuana is not purchasing planes or private islands. The money that a grower might make from his crop goes to the local farm store, Walmart, grocery stores, electric companies, and the local gas station.

The reality is that medical marijuana growers are just small farmers trying to get by in this crazy world. They are just people.

Dispensaries are not drug cartel locations where drug dealers and addicts are congregating to buy drugs. They are pharmacies where people of all ages get a medication that helps them deal with whatever ailment they are facing.

The states that have had medical marijuana for years are mesmerized by the rest of the population's misconception on weed.

Arkansas has two issues on the ballot. One is the Arkansas Medical Cannabis Act that will allow patients and caregivers to grow their own and covers more medical issues. Read the full bill at https://ballotpedia.org. The second is an amendment that limits the medical problems and growing.

Both are pro-medical marijuana while the Act would help more people.

I have listened to the news media tell how this will cause crime to rise and take away from the budget. While having medical marijuana legal does not mean crime will increase. Instead, it means people are getting the help they need. Look at the locations where medical marijuana is legal, and their crime rates have even been seen to drop.

Okay, I will admit that with all things there are always bad apples. But the medical marijuana community is a laid back group. Only those who know nothing about the issue are the ones crying wolf.

How can they honestly want to limit the number of illnesses or problems that marijuana could help? No one is screaming that viagra should only help individual cases of erectile dysfunction. Even though everyone has heard of the countless times this drug misused.

Sure one is most definitely not like another, but you get my point.  And when this same media talks about how horrible it is for someone to get medical marijuana if they don't need it, to this I say okay but is it a bad thing? How many people use alcohol to help deal with issues in their life? How many are taking prescriptions when they don't need them?
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Things in life are abused but is that reason enough to keep a child from having life-saving medication to help them live a better life? Should someone be limited from using a natural medication to help ease their pain?

I was one of the masses who thought this way until I learned to open my eyes.

I have lived in a medical marijuana world, and I survived. The one thing I found out above all else was that when it came to marijuana, I was not as smart as I thought.

Learn the truth. Marijuana is just a word, Cannabis is the, and it is a natural plant. One plant that has existed since the beginning of time, a completely all natural by-product of mother nature.

Would you want to keep someone who is suffering from taking medical marijuana just because you think it is bad?

Arkansas will vote in November as will Florida, Montana, and North Dakota on medical marijuana. California, Nevada, Arizona, Maine, and Massachusetts will vote for full legalization of recreational.

The kicker is that everyone knows Colorado has legal recreational marijuana, but did you remember that Alaska, Oregon, and may I have a drumroll please, WASHINGTON DC. Let that sink in just a moment. Okay, now that it has done you realize that where our legislators and our President live they have LEGAL RECREATIONAL MARIJUANA.



I am living mostly outside of medical marijuana states, but I will return to a place that allows freedom of choice in medications.

What needs done is for marijuana/ cannabis rescheduled on the Schedule of drugs.


I am not a criminal because I have used marijuana. I am not a bad person because I believe marijuana is not evil.

Who Am I? Political Beliefs Who WIll You Vote For? What Will You Vote For?

Who am I and where do I come from? Those are not just questions I have asked myself. They are often things people ask me. Those questions follow with where do you live?

The truth is I rarely tell anyone where I live because honestly does it matter? And as we travel the country telling people about the benefits of medical marijuana I may live anywhere at anytime. That sounds weird I know, but it is the truth.

My answer is usually Somewhere in the Universe. For me, my home is where my heart is and that remains with my family. So it has been a lot of different places. Missouri, Branson, West Plains, Springfield, California, Colorado, Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, so on and so on.

Part of the overall reason I rarely tell the world my location is my way of keeping as much turmoil and drama from my life. Being bipolar is an ongoing struggle and remaining as far away from drama helps. There is plenty of chaos in my head without the world throwing in crap. It may seem hard to understand, but it is important to my mental state to remain as calm as possible.

So we live our life as we see fit, we have met people, we have interacted with countless lives as we experience what the world offers. And that has taught me so many valuable things.

When we moved to California, I was still enmeshed in my uninformed beliefs about the evil qualities of weed. Then as if a cloud lifted learned just how ignorant it was to fear a plant. After all, this little plant had been created by a higher power, by God himself. So how could it be so evil?

That was the feelings I held firm. Weed, marijuana, ganja and the million other names describe just a plant.

It was uninformed, ignorant of me to fear and hate something that honestly I simply didn't understand. I had always considered myself a reasonably intelligent individual, but I knew very little in reality about marijuana. All I truly knew was it was smoked, and people got high.

The past media blast of telling the world about the 'evil reefer' had apparently gone deep within my mind. Maybe it was only osmosis that this was my thoughts because my parents felt firm about the evils.

Daddy was adamant about his philosophy regarding 'flower children' or 'blooming idiots' as he called the hippies of the 60s. They both felt that smoking the evil marijuana meant they were worthless, lazy and a lower society.

My parents grew up in a time when people were firm with their patriotic pride. They like all of their generation believed in our leaders even when they didn't agree with the policy.

I remember so many times how angry with jokes made about the President. And when it came to the American flag, Daddy was. Anytime I carried the flag at a horse show or rodeo he gave me the same lecture. If my horse bucked and threw me to the ground, I always was to make sure that the flag stayed off the ground. I was to protect the Red, White, and Blue no matter the consequences.

To this day I still shutter when anyone disrespects the flag or jokes about our President. I am not an Obama fan, but I still believe the office deserves respect. I will gladly admit that the politicians of today make it extremely hard not to laugh at them.

Political opinions on marijuana change for the politicians as the winds of the day change. Sadly, most of our politicians whether they are candidates or elected, their views and statements seem to alter depending on what group they are addressing.

As far as what they are promising, does it matter? It is what they do once elected. Will they stick to their beliefs or will they alter as most have done in the past?

Who Am I? An American in the Midwest

Who am I? That is not the question. Today is more a question of how am I?

It is the time of year or at least the time of an election year that we see countless political ads at an endless rate. They are some of the saddest things we have to endure. Political ads are nothing but a time to pull out all the old childhood games of he said she said and a lot of they did it not me.

Just turn on the news everything is Trump said this, Hillary said this.

I get so tired of the childish finger pointing that goes on in politics. Every politician I have heard changes their tune from time to time and none of them tell us what they will do. They merely say whatever crowd they are in front of at the time what they want to hear. Right now it is not about telling us any vital information it is all about gathering votes.

How do we know what they will do after they are elected? Honestly, we will not know until the time occurs. So much mudslinging and name calling that it feels to me that we as the people are forgotten.

My one thought is pure. I agree with Trump that the country needs run as a business and we need to straighten up our entire system. But when any of the candidates running keep telling us they understand the plight of the common man I have to wonder. How can billionaires and millionaires understand the difficult situation of what people are dealing with in today's world?


We are a country that exists of people wondering how to put food on the table, how to keep our electric on, and worries about health care. How can individuals who spend thousands on nonsense understand that feeling?

My late mother-in-law was of that similar mindset. She had the warped concept that the mere fact of living in the United States automatically meant you had everything. Her thoughts included the idea that only the lazy or addicted went without.

I am a little ashamed that at one point in my life I didn't know the truth and in a way believed the same thing. But as with all things in life reality came calling and I learned the truth.

Does any of our political candidates understand what it is like to look in the eye of their child and tell them there is no food? Do they know what it is to lay awake all night wondering how to pay the bills? My mother-in-law didn't understand any of that.

We live in the greatest country on the planet. We have so many wonderful things and opportunities as citizens of the United States, yet there are so many ways this great nation is lacking. Health care is my primary complaint. Obamacare was supposed to make sure that everyone got proper medical attention and no one did without ever again.

Now the truth in what has occurred after Obamacare has been a different story. In my life, this program has done quite the opposite, and I know SO many who are in the same situation. Since the bill the was supposed to give everyone access to health insurance went into effect I know people who have lost their insurance.

Was the reason to pass the bill not to provide everyone with low-cost insurance? Instead, it fines those who can not afford to pay the premiums on this so-called low priced insurance. What an oxymoronic thing to do, a penalty charged for not having insurance.

So if you don't have health insurance, you must pay a fine. I know people who don't have the insurance because they don't qualify for aid and can't afford the premiums on their own. How can fine individuals who are already having trouble paying bills because they can't pay another?

Looking past those facts of Obamacare, we move into the fact that finding a doctor now has become almost impossible. You must find one that takes the insurance you can afford, and that is a task that leads to despair.

Clinics and doctors want to interview you now before they accept you as a patient. They don't like it when you have very much wrong with you. In our case, a doctor, my husband, had seen for years wouldn't accept him back as a patient when we moved home again. It had been seven years since he saw him, so it had been too long.

Medical care is difficult enough but finding a physician who will accept ongoing medical problems is not easy. And that doesn't even go into the topic of your chronic pain. Those two little words seem to repeal doctors like garlic on vampires. If you want to get, your doctor to run backward, it is quite simple. Just mention your chronic pain and watch the dust fog as he escapes.

To the world of candidates on the ballot, I ask them not to judge me because I am skeptical about their promises. I am just looking at things from the point of view that has seen a lot of things. I always hold high hopes that things will be different but often find I am disappointed.

You see as will happen we often are slapped with reality when things happen. I learned the lessons of life that can take you from the top of the heap to the very bottom with just one quick motion. My mother-in-law's point of view on the world's needy quickly was proven wrong in our lives.

When my husband was injured at work our life spiraled down. All it took for us to learn hard lessons was a brain injury. That TBI (traumatic brain injury) collapsed our world, nothing would ever be as we knew it.

In the blink of an eye, my world changed, and I learned hard lessons that altered my warped views of the needy.

Politicians come and go but aren't it time all the childish name calling and finger pointing ended? Shouldn't the issues of taking care of the American people be the first thought for any of them? Democrats, Republicans, Independents, Liberalists aren't the point, when did the term AMERICANS get lost in a mess?