Being Bipolar means, I have ups that are higher than most people, and I have lows so low it was difficult to breathe. That is just a daily thing for me, and I have sort of learned to deal with it.
Well, life is not always the easiest, that has been my motto, especially in the last 20 years. I can't believe that it has been that long since I talked to my Mama. 20 years since I sat in that hospital room and watched her take her last breath, 20 years since I had a Mom to go to when I needed that particular moment.
How do I get over the fact that they are gone? How? People say time will heal all wounds, but it really doesn't. Not really. You just get to where you have cried so much that maybe the tears have a harder time coming, then again maybe they don't.
There are still moments that I can't take it, and I go off by myself and cry for all the moments that I wish they were here, for all the things that have happened that I wish they could have seen.
Mama, I will always need you to help me when I can't figure something out and Daddy, I will always look to you when I want a big hug. But the advice doesn't come, and the hug is not there. That makes more tears fall, and then I am once again that little girl that had a nightmare.
It is funny how I watch some people go through life without the same pain when they don't have their parents anymore. I see some who literally throw them away because they just don't want them around anymore. And I cry because I wish mine were here with every ounce of my being.
So how do I deal with this pain inside of me while trying to hold on to my sanity? I don't know all I know is that I have to. I have to hang on even when my grip gets loose.
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