Who Am I? The Grand Illusion of Life

Learning who you are is not an easy task for any child or adult for that matter, but adding bipolar to that only exaggerates by a billion. For me, I learned the art of illusion. My mania was turned inward in the hopes of making it go away. But it did not move it only festered like a cancer within my soul.

That festering led me to have many moments of despair so intense I longed for an end. Imagine being just a small child and wanting out of this thing called life.

Like so many, I felt that this was something I was doing wrong. The thoughts by certain people that being Bipolar is a choice filtered into my mind. So it only made me despise myself even more. And that inner hate led to the thoughts that I was nothing but a bother to the world around me.
My soul was a dark abyss that longed to drag me deep within the reaches of the pit that lived inside my mind. Every day became a struggle to keep from falling off that cliff into the black hole. Even as a small child I knew there was no return from that. But part of the struggle was not to let anyone know what was going on inside my head.

A grand illusion began to surround me. I tried desperately to look like other kids and tried to act like other children, while I hid the many hours spent hidden in the back of the closet questioning God on why I was here. I would beat my head against the wall and even beg for removal from the equation of life. Life went on.

That was my beginning life as a confused and lonely bipolar child living in a world that didn’t acknowledge the existence of this unknown problem.

When truly the grandest illusion of life is simply life itself. Everything we have been taught or seen probably is just the perception that someone else is striving to get us to see. So what is the truth?
Maybe nothing. Maybe everything is just that illusion.

Families we think are the “Leave it to Beaver” bunch are in truth just a group who can put on a beautiful face when the world looks at them. Look at the single face of Jared Fogle (Subway frontman) that seemingly innocent face turned out to be nothing more than a predator. A wolf in sheep’s clothing.

The “beautiful” people around us have turned out to be predators in their rights are in the same category as Jared Fogle. So who do we tell our children to trust? When is the news filled with people from all walks of life showing their true natures as terrible people? Who do you trust?

Life is the illusion that humanity loves one another, but look around we can all see that isn’t the truth. Does humankind care about anything anymore? Money, social standings, image are just a few things that people consume themselves with above the world around them.

It is excellent and noble when people travel to foreign countries to help those in need, but the truth is that they “step” over all the people around them in trouble to do that. So why not start next door when you are on a mission to help?

Don’t get me wrong I do know there are real people out there, and it is just a shame we have to dig so deep within the bowels of crap the world is full of to find those rare gems of goodness.

Growing up in a small town in Southern Missouri I began my journey to learn who I am and what the world contains. It was going to be a long and hard trip. A single trip and a very confusing one. But it was a journey I needed to take and one I have come out on the other end much wiser than I began.

No matter where this journey takes me I still feel slightly alone. When I was a little girl (and if I am sincere there are moments still in life like this for me) anyway as a kid I would wonder if I died would anyone miss me?

Stay tuned for more on this challenging trip. It is going to be a bumpy ride so buckle up and hang on.

Is Bipolar Disorder The New IT Disease? A New Coming Out of The Closet

Has it reached a point when Bipolar Disorder is now the IT illness? With the insurgence of celebrities that have ‘come out’ to tell the world they are Bipolar, seriously when did it become the disorder to have?

Recently someone posted on Twitter that their Psychiatrist thought they shouldn't inform the world of their Bipolar Disorder. That statement struck home with me because I was always told to keep it quiet. However, for my personal experience, I didn't see an improvement in my life until I stopped hiding my illness.

My diagnosis came 49 years ago. Yeah, it was a LONG time ago. Long before it was popular, and long before they even called it BiPolar, for me it was Manic Depressive Disorder. Then out of the blue, it was suddenly Bipolar Disorder, and celebrities seemed to burst at the seams with admissions.

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/prevalence/bipolar-disorder-among-adults.shtml

Statistically, as the National Institute of Mental Health state on their website, 2.6% of the US population has been diagnosed Bipolar. So 2.6% doesn’t sound like a lot, but when you take into consideration that is 2.6% of 318.9 million people. That translate into 8.3 million inhabitants with Bipolar Disorder in the United States alone.

That’s a lot of individuals.

Bipolar Disorder is a mental illness explained in the simple terms of the definition:

“a mental disorder marked by alternating periods of elation and depression.”

Okay, so it is a mental disorder with ups and downs. That seems simple, right? But when you know Bipolar Disorder you realize that the ups are like the farthest reach of the galaxy, and the lows are the deepest part of the ocean floor.

It can almost feel like an intricate dance that spins you one direction and then back another. Dealing with mental illness is never easy, the ups and downs of Bipolar Disorder stretch any strings of sanity to the very breaking point. So asking someone to hide or deny their problem is only sugar coating a pile of crap. Eventually, the sugar melts and guess what, a bunch of crap is all that is left.

That relatively straightforward to the point definition could be the reason that many Doctors are diagnosing Bipolar  Disorder for a record number of individuals. When the truth is,  overactive or unruly children with difficulty sitting still, paying attention, or even acting out are just doing what kids have done since the beginning of time.

The list of symptoms experienced by someone with Bipolar is a long grocery list of ups and downs. While anyone reading the list could answer yes to most of the symptoms, just remember that when you suffer from Bipolar Disorder, the sadness is the black abyss and the euphoria is riding the clouds.

When you have Bipolar  Disorder, your mood swings are such extreme opposites that it will seem the rest of the world never experiences such highs and lows. It is common for those who suffer from having instances of a god-like superiority. That is all except me; you see I am just that awesome.

Bipolar  Symptoms

mood swings

sadness

anger

anxiety

apathy

discontent

guilt

hopelessness                                                                           

unable to feel pleasure

lack of interest

apprehension

irritability

risky behavior

disorganized behavior

aggression

crying

increased desire for sex

impulsive

self-harm

agitation

delusion

lack of concentration

racing thoughts

the slowness of thought or activity

false sense of superiority

difficulty in falling asleep

sleepiness

depression

paranoia

weight problems could be gain or loss

rapid speech

fatigue

Medications (I don't even want to tell you how many I have used)

Mood stabilizer: The medication that will help control the ups and downs of Bipolar Disorder.

That makes this the one drug that works on both ends of the spectrum of the illness. Mania and depression.

Lithium

Lamictal

Seroquel

Zyprexa

Symbyax

Anticonvulsant: used to treat epilepsy or other convulsive disorders the anticonvulsant drugs have shown they can help relieve the symptoms of mania and slow down mood swings.

Divalproex (Depakote)

Carbamazepine (Tegretol, Equetro)

Lamotrigine (Lamictal ODT)

Topiramate

Oxcarbazepine (Trileptal)

Valproic Acid

Levetiracetam

Antidepressants:

Bupropion

Fluoxetine (Symbyax)

Antipsychotics:

Olanzapine (Zyprexa)

Quetiapine (Seroquel)

Risperidone

Aripiprazole (Abilify)

Ziprasidone (Geodon, Latuda)

Clozapine

Haloperidol (Haldol)

Asenapine (Saphris)

iloperidone

Lurasidone

Paliperidone

Perphenazine

Cariprazine (Vraylar)

Other Medications that can be used to help Bipolar  Disorder

Benzodiazepines

Klonopin (Clonazepam)

Doral (Quazepam)

Alprazolam (Xanax, Niravam)

Estazolam (Prosom)

Flurazepam (Dalmane)           

Diazepam (Diastay)

Chlordiazepoxide (Librium)

Clorazepate (Tranxene)

Lorazepam (Ativan),

Triazolam (Halcion)

Clobazam (Onfi)

Temazepam (Restoril)

Midazolam (Versed)

Antiadrenergic

Clonidine (Catapres)

Gamma-Aminobutyric Acid

Gabapentin (Tiagabine)

Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors/ Norepinephrine

Sertraline

Citalopraim (Citalopram)

Venlafaxine

Duloxetine

Escitalopram

Desvenlafaxine

Calcium Channel Blockers

Verapamil

CNS Stimulants

Armodafinil

When you have Bipolar  Disorder, the lists of medications soon becomes a list of been there and done that. You come to know the names: Lithium, Xanax, a Zyprexa Effexor, Prozac, and countless others as if they were a children’s nursery rhyme.

They are a part of the illness that we don’t often like, and it is common for those diagnosed to stop taking their medications. My personal pharmaceutical history holds more drugs than Pablo Escobar every had and unfortunately when you have dealt with this disorder as many years as I have, you tend to work up a tolerance and have to move to the next one on the list.

Treatment for your Bipolar Disorder means a broad spectrum of things. Medications are needed to regulate the imbalance, therapy of some kind whether it is a group, peer, personal, or institutional, and often cognitive behavioral therapy. Whichever method is best for you is a very personal thing between you and your Doctor.

This blog entry was a glimpse into my journey:  However, that glimpse was just an inkling of the inner workings of my warped mind.

Who Am I?

Who am I? I hate being Bipolar, It's awesome

 Being Bipolar means, I have ups that are higher than most people, and I have lows so low it was difficult to breathe. That is just a daily thing for me, and I have sort of learned to deal with it.

Well, life is not always the easiest, that has been my motto, especially in the last 20 years. I can't believe that it has been that long since I talked to my Mama. 20 years since I sat in that hospital room and watched her take her last breath, 20 years since I had a Mom to go to when I needed that particular moment.

20 years seems like such a long time ago, but it has been. And it has been 15 years since I could tell Daddy I love you and have him tell me he loved me too. Where has the time gone? I still feel like a little girl that just wants her Mama and Daddy.

How do I get over the fact that they are gone? How? People say time will heal all wounds, but it really doesn't. Not really. You just get to where you have cried so much that maybe the tears have a harder time coming, then again maybe they don't.

There are still moments that I can't take it, and I go off by myself and cry for all the moments that I wish they were here, for all the things that have happened that I wish they could have seen.

Mama, I will always need you to help me when I can't figure something out and Daddy, I will always look to you when I want a big hug. But the advice doesn't come, and the hug is not there. That makes more tears fall, and then I am once again that little girl that had a nightmare.

It is funny how I watch some people go through life without the same pain when they don't have their parents anymore. I see some who literally throw them away because they just don't want them around anymore. And I cry because I wish mine were here with every ounce of my being.

So how do I deal with this pain inside of me while trying to hold on to my sanity? I don't know all I know is that I have to. I have to hang on even when my grip gets loose.

The Black Abyss of Terror called a Panic Attack

Panic attacks. By definition, it is a sudden feeling of acute and disabling anxiety. For me, those words simply mean my general day.

Just how does a panic attack feel? To all those who have the fortunate luck of never experiencing one, this is like having a heart attack, thinking you are dying, hyperventilating, dizziness and pure, complete terror.

To the world who thinks this is made up or to those who want you to just 'get over it.' Oh my God I am not making it up, and no I can not get over it. WHY WOULD ANYONE MAKE THIS UP and FOR THE LOVE OF PETE STOP TELLING ME TO GET OVER IT.

The first panic attack I had was when I was just five years old. It was horrifying. My heart began to beat so loud I thought everyone could hear it. Crying, I told my Mama, but she didn't understand this thing that was going on with me. During the 60's honestly, no one understood it.

So, I heard 'get over it and go back to sleep.' It was not something I could just stop. So I lay in the dark, thinking I was going to die.

All I could think about was the pain I felt and the beating of my heart in my ears. I had no idea that this would go on for the rest of my life.

Today, that same panic attack comes on often and without warning. I stress out over the weather. And when I have a Doctor appointment, (I stress the night before an appointment so bad that sleep eludes me,  as if I ever sleep anyway). I stress over payday, over grocery shopping, over knowing someone is coming to visit, I stress over having to talk on the phone, over answering the phone, or the possibility that I might have to interact with someone online, so basically I stress.

So what is my life like? Well, you could say I live in a constant state of anxiety. Bipolar disorder is just one aspect of me, panic attacks are another, but I have learned to stop worrying about those things because that is just who I am.

Fear is an emotion that comes to me over so much. But the hopelessness I feel when a panic attack hits are just another thing I deal with every day. I thank all that is good that I have the support system of the world's greatest family.
If it wasn't for this little group, I call family and their ability to allow me all the eccentricities that are me, well I don't know where I would be.

Life is hard for most of the world. But for those like e dealing with mental issues well it is a little more difficult.

Anytime that the tears begin to streak down my cheeks at random well they just allow me to be me, and I cry.

Who Am I? Flat On My Back, Heart Attack Or What Am I Dying?

In our twenties, we are all guilty of feeling invincible, like nothing can happen to us. Not me, we tell ourselves. Those sorts of things happen to other people. Older people.

There I lay in the ER with wires hooked up to me. Could this be happening? Was I that person lying on that cold bed, while Doctors hurriedly worked around me?

This ER visit wasn't possible. I'm only twenty-seven and in great shape. I don't smoke, I eat healthily, and I go the gym at least three times a week. My head was swimming. I felt like I was dreaming. Then I stared at the beeping machines that filled the room. Lights and noises everywhere, my mind kept spinning.

The pain in my chest felt strange, my arms hurt and the pain kept going up into my neck.

What on Earth was going on? Then as I stared at the machine, suddenly the line went straight, and buzzers sounded everywhere.

As long as I live, I'll never forget the sight of that ominous flat line. It was as if the world went into slow motion, the Doctors and Nurses looked terrified.

My mind quickly grasped the moment as I realized, I was dead. Or at least my heart had stopped beating, but I could see everyone hurrying. Then to my horror, I saw a Nurse rush into the room with what I knew was a crash cart. Next the paddles. My mind screamed, oh my God.

Suddenly a horrid pain shot through my whole body, nearly causing me to jerk from the table. Instantly the line began to move, but all I could focus on was I had died. If only for a moment I had died.

That felt like the worst day of my life. Thoughts of my baby girls and my husband kept my mind focusing on making my heart beat, willing it to continue beat after beat.

Finally, I was feeling better, and the Doctors crowded around me. Somehow, here I lay on the verge of a massive heart attack. That was something that happened to people who weren't healthy, who didn't exercise or eat right. Not me. The Doctors were as baffled as I was.

The next year I spent undergoing frequent testing, in hopes that the problem could be isolated. Cardiac catheterization performed in the attempt to see if there was any blockage in my veins. But none was found. I wore machines called event detectors for 30 days at a time in the hopes a cause could be spotted.

When my heart would mysteriously skip beats, the device automatically called an ambulance. It happened so frequently that I was on a first name basis with the EMTs. Still, no one could tell me exactly what was wrong. They continually said they knew I was sick but didn't know why.

When nearly two years had passed with countless EKGs, monitors, and numerous trips to the ER, they finally came to the conclusion it was a severe case of arrhythmia.

At least now that I knew kind of what was wrong I began to focus on my mission of healing. The Doctors cut my caffeine intact down to virtually zero. I will be honest giving up soda was tough. But I have never been a coffee drinker, so I was good there.

I continue to walk a lot, trying to do at least 2 miles a day and I eat lots of fruit and veggies. My red meat consumption is minimal, and I watch the amount of sodium in my foods as well.

It's been quite a few years since the event happened, but I try to remember every day how lucky I am. Especially when I see others who aren't as fortunate.

But the fear remains every day that the tightness in my chest will be the big one. Funniest thing that the Doctors wanted me to do was to live stress-free. How hilarious, I'm married with kids. It's not going to happen.

Smile, laugh as often as possible. Eat healthily and exercise, keep a close eye on your heart health. Next time it could be you.